BULGES, BEARDS AND BLOKES
New technology means you can turn back the hands of time or, at least, stop the hands of time beating you across the face! DNA’s Grooming Guru brings complexion fresheners, beard advice and reviews the best new men’s fragrances.
Will Fennell guides us through the latest grooming tips, new fragrances and essential beard maintenance.
Lately, I’ve been feeling very old in this youthobsessed gay-world in which we live. This had me in a bit of a funk, actually. Until recently. I was at the gym on the cable machines minding my own business when a very handsome (young) man asked if he could work in with me. He was gorgeous in that Abercrombie cap on backwards, casual-coolwithout-trying sort of way (that I never mastered). Taken back by his youthful splendour, I mumbled a timorous, “Yes,” and let him work in. After his set of just the right mix of lifting weights and fluffing his feathers, he introduced himself.
We then exchanged the usual gay-gym babble – like what music we were listening to. On Kylie’s new album he actually had no opinion – gasp, horror – but he was way too cute for me to even care. I finished my sets, doing an extra three but who’s counting, and as I was about to move on he took me by complete surprise and asked for my number. (Insert shy giggle!)
It took me a few moments to realise that the Daddy he was talking about was me!
To put what followed next into context, this boy could have been my son. And, if I still lived in the trailer park I grew up in, possibly my grandson.
From the messages that followed that day and the next, he was obviously very keen and, with me being recently single, I thought why not? Blanche from The Golden Girls once said that flirting with someone keeps your buttocks firm. My gluteus definitely needed some inspiration and, after the messages between us, my buttocks could crack walnuts!
As gay banter usually goes, the conversation quickly turned saucy. I tried hard to keep up with his abbreviated texts, with all his words shortened to the point of being incomprehensible, but I thought for a Gen Xer sexting a Gen Zer, I was doing okay, Bro.
Then he dropped the bomb I wasn’t ready for: “Can Daddy fk his boy?”
It took me a few moments to realise he was talking about me, not suggesting we hook-up with a third, some big ol’ daddy, for a three-way. Me!
Now, you don’t need to know the sordid details of this Spring-Autumn-Extravaganzaaa, except to say, Daddy did good. Afterwards, post-coitus, when he blanked on knowing whom Bananarama are, I knew it was never going to work long-term but it sure had improved my mood – and my complexion.
Now, the point behind this story was to boast about how great I’m feeling right now, and this is the most important part: if you’re feeling out of date, no matter how old you are, no matter how much you think the gay community is obsessed with youth, never give up on the power of young gay boys with a Daddy fetish.
Sex, of course, is great for the complexion but if you don’t have a hot root lined up, here come some excellent alternatives…