BULGES, BEARDS AND BLOKES

New tech­nol­ogy means you can turn back the hands of time or, at least, stop the hands of time beat­ing you across the face! DNA’s Groom­ing Guru brings com­plex­ion fresh­en­ers, beard ad­vice and reviews the best new men’s fra­grances.

DNA Magazine - - CONTENTS - WITH WILL FEN­NELL

Will Fen­nell guides us through the lat­est groom­ing tips, new fra­grances and es­sen­tial beard main­te­nance.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very old in this youthob­sessed gay-world in which we live. This had me in a bit of a funk, ac­tu­ally. Un­til re­cently. I was at the gym on the cable ma­chines mind­ing my own business when a very hand­some (young) man asked if he could work in with me. He was gor­geous in that Aber­crom­bie cap on back­wards, ca­sual-cool­with­out-try­ing sort of way (that I never mas­tered). Taken back by his youth­ful splen­dour, I mum­bled a tim­o­rous, “Yes,” and let him work in. Af­ter his set of just the right mix of lift­ing weights and fluff­ing his feath­ers, he in­tro­duced him­self.

We then ex­changed the usual gay-gym bab­ble – like what mu­sic we were lis­ten­ing to. On Kylie’s new al­bum he ac­tu­ally had no opin­ion – gasp, hor­ror – but he was way too cute for me to even care. I fin­ished my sets, do­ing an ex­tra three but who’s count­ing, and as I was about to move on he took me by com­plete sur­prise and asked for my num­ber. (In­sert shy gig­gle!)

It took me a few mo­ments to re­alise that the Daddy he was talking about was me!

To put what fol­lowed next into con­text, this boy could have been my son. And, if I still lived in the trailer park I grew up in, pos­si­bly my grand­son.

From the mes­sages that fol­lowed that day and the next, he was ob­vi­ously very keen and, with me be­ing re­cently sin­gle, I thought why not? Blanche from The Golden Girls once said that flirt­ing with some­one keeps your but­tocks firm. My glu­teus def­i­nitely needed some in­spi­ra­tion and, af­ter the mes­sages be­tween us, my but­tocks could crack wal­nuts!

As gay ban­ter usu­ally goes, the conversation quickly turned saucy. I tried hard to keep up with his ab­bre­vi­ated texts, with all his words short­ened to the point of be­ing in­com­pre­hen­si­ble, but I thought for a Gen Xer sex­ting a Gen Zer, I was do­ing okay, Bro.

Then he dropped the bomb I wasn’t ready for: “Can Daddy fk his boy?”

It took me a few mo­ments to re­alise he was talking about me, not sug­gest­ing we hook-up with a third, some big ol’ daddy, for a three-way. Me!

Now, you don’t need to know the sor­did de­tails of this Spring-Au­tumn-Ex­trav­a­gan­zaaa, ex­cept to say, Daddy did good. Af­ter­wards, post-coitus, when he blanked on know­ing whom Bana­narama are, I knew it was never go­ing to work long-term but it sure had im­proved my mood – and my com­plex­ion.

Now, the point be­hind this story was to boast about how great I’m feeling right now, and this is the most im­por­tant part: if you’re feeling out of date, no mat­ter how old you are, no mat­ter how much you think the gay com­mu­nity is ob­sessed with youth, never give up on the power of young gay boys with a Daddy fetish.

Sex, of course, is great for the com­plex­ion but if you don’t have a hot root lined up, here come some ex­cel­lent al­ter­na­tives…

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