YOUR BEST SEX MOVE: THE DOS AND DON’TS OF HOOK-UPS!
Bottoms who starfish through a session, and tops who jackhammer until they cum – this one’s for you.
Make your future romps sexier with these few, easy-to-follow tips…
HAVE YOU EVER gone down on a hot guy, only to be turned-off by the overwhelming stench of his unwashed dick? You’d think that spritzing your genitals before putting them inside someone would be run-of-the-mill common courtesy. But this kind of thoughtlessness is common in many hook-ups.
Sex should be fun and frivolous, so I hate to be laying down any rules, but it seems like some people didn’t get the memo.
CLEAN YOUR PEEN
If you’re the proud owner of a foreskin, there’s no excuse for not washing your dick. You’ve had years to notice that your penis starts smelling like roadkill on a hot backwoods highway when you don’t wash it after a long day.
You’ve also had years to understand that there’s a “nice, sexy” cock smell, and there’s a “holy shit, get that thing into the shower” cock smell. If your nether region smells more like the latter, for God’s sake, wash your cock before your trade arrives.
TOPS: SPRITZ YOUR BUTT CRACK
Even if you’re not getting fucked in the butt tonight, freshen up your butt crack.
If you’re sitting there asking yourself, “But why did my trade suddenly stop sucking my dick and walk out?”, I strongly urge you to go down on a guy who hasn’t tended to his dirty ass crack all day. When the smell of musty faeces invades your nostrils while you’re trying to give an Oscar-worthy blow job, you’ll fully understand why it’s important to spritz one’s crack.
Remember: if you don’t have time for a shower to take care of your trouble areas, a quick pat down with a wet a towel will do.
BOTTOMS: DOUCHE ACCORDINGLY
In my experience, every bottom who’s said: “I never really need to douche” ends up shitting the bed figuratively and literally.
If you’re bottoming, and you’re getting fucked by someone whose penis is longer than 5 inches, you need to douche. If you’re being fucked by someone with a humongous peen, you need to deep douche. And you should probably be mindful of your diet in the 36 hours before you take a dick inside you.
GET YOUR GODDAMN HOUSE IN ORDER
Notice a theme emerging? Cleanliness. Trust me, it’s sexy. If you’re a slob, fine, I’m not trying to change you as a person. I’m just saying that if you want your hook-up to be good, avoid inviting someone over when your house looks it belongs on the TV show Hoarders.
To the majority of the population, hooking-up in what could be described as a crack den isn’t hot. Case in point: I hooked up with an Instagram “celebrity” one time. This guy had everything you need to get thousands of likes and followers online. Muscles. Good style. Threaded eyebrows. I thought he was well put together – until I walked into his house. Dishes piled up in the sink. Dog shit on the floor. A bed covered in dirty laundry. Few people want to fuck a slob. The second I got out of there, I blocked his number.
KILL THE COLOGNE
That said, there is such a thing as being “too clean”. Overdosing on cologne will take away your man scent. And if you want someone to lick your armpits, make sure they aren’t plastered in underarm deodorant. Few things are less sexy than getting a mouth full of flavoured glue stick in your mouth when you’re trying to love your lover all over.
GIVE AS MUCH AS YOU GET
The best hook-ups are like a great game of tennis. Things get interesting when both players are hitting and receiving the ball, volleying it back and forth while the crowd reaches peak excitement in the background.
Same goes when you’re fucking. Pay attention to your partner. Listen to their noises, watch their expressions. Do more of what gets them off and you’ll reap what you sow. People who are generous in nature are often better in bed for this reason.
Inexperienced lovers and people who are more inclined to think only about their own needs? Not necessarily. Bottoms who starfish their way through a session, and tops who jackhammer until they cum real quick – this one’s for you.
HAVE LUBE ON HAND, YOU BLOODY SAVAGE
Unless you’re in the business of tearing someone a new asshole, literally, make sure you have plenty of lube handy. Using spit as lube is hot until it’s not. It can wear out real quick when you’re using condoms. Lube will improve a hook-up and make your bottom last longer. Who wouldn’t want that?
BE A GENT
It’s super sexy to be respectful before, during and after a hook-up. This means no freaking out when you pull out and see shit on the condom. Also, be mindful of your hook-up partner’s boundaries (choking is only hot when it’s consensual), and maybe don’t fling that freshly used condom halfway across the bedroom the second you’ve cum. Extend your gentlemanliness beyond the fucking. Hosting can include offering your hook-up a drink, a shower and fresh towel, even a conversation.