You’re Play­ing It Wrong

EDGE - - DISPATCHES PERSPECTIVE - BRIAN HOWE

Prob­lems with your new hard­ware? Here’s a list of com­mon fixes to earlyadopter teething trou­bles

Xbox One and PlayS­ta­tion 4 have both hit the mar­ket­place with a bang – in rare cases lit­er­ally, since .01 per cent of units sold have re­port­edly ex­ploded for no clear rea­son upon be­ing pow­ered on for the first time, spray­ing deadly shrap­nel through the dens of in­no­cent gamers. We still don’t know whether this small but sta­tis­ti­cally sig­nif­i­cant num­ber of ‘sui­cide con­soles’, as play­ers have dubbed the ma­chines in fear­ful whis­pers, stems from se­vere man­u­fac­tur­ing er­rors or a ploy to in­tro­duce a Rus­sian Roulette-style el­e­ment of ex­cite­ment to pur­chas­ing a new gam­ing ma­chine. But one thing is cer­tain: as is al­ways the case with new tech­nol­ogy, early adopters are serv­ing as guinea pigs for a range of de­sign flaws that more pa­tient con­sumers will never have to face.

As a pub­lic ser­vice, we’ve com­piled a list of so­lu­tions for the most com­monly re­ported new con­sole woes of this gen­er­a­tion. Sure, you could eas­ily look them up on the In­ter­net via ei­ther con­sole’s web browser. But one good thing about a mag­a­zine is that there’s vir­tu­ally no chance it will blow up in your face – just in case it does, we re­fer you to the in­dem­nity waiver on p137 of your sub­scrip­tion con­tract, which pro­tects Edge against any li­a­bil­ity in the event of spon­ta­neous com­bus­tion. Not, of course, that you would still be able read it.

Prob­lem: “My con­sole’s disc drive makes a shriek­ing sound.” So­lu­tion: There are three rea­sons why this prob­lem could oc­cur. First, there might have been a sim­ple me­chan­i­cal er­ror, in which case you should try and fail to re­pair the op­ti­cal drive yourself, thereby void­ing the war­ranty, and then shell out for a new ma­chine. Sec­ond, your disc drive might be in­hab­ited by venge­ful sirens, in which case you should plug your ears with noise-can­celling head­phones and lash yourself to your X-Rocker gam­ing chair, lest their song lure you to the near­est wa­tery grave – which will quite prob­a­bly be a toi­let. Third, your con­sole is about to ex­plode, in which case you should make peace with your gods in the mo­ments left to you.

Prob­lem: “My con­sole won’t in­stall im­por­tant up­dates.” So­lu­tion: If you’re cer­tain your In­ter­net con­nec­tion is work­ing, you may need to cy­cle your con­sole by hold­ing the power but­ton for five sec­onds, si­mul­ta­ne­ously rub­bing your belly and pat­ting your head for 11 sec­onds, recit­ing US cap­i­tals in al­pha­bet­i­cal or­der for 17.3 sec­onds, and then un­plug­ging the sys­tem for 30 sec­onds. This oc­cult rit­ual gives the mag­i­cal main­te­nance gnomes who live in your con­sole time to take a smoke break, which their trade union re­quires, as they watch your ex­er­tions through the grilles for their cruel en­ter­tain­ment. If this doesn’t work, it’s pos­si­ble that you live in a mud hut and have tried to plug your con­sole into a goat’s arse.

Prob­lem: “Help! My PS4 won’t stop run­ning medi­ocre plat­form­ing soft­ware.” So­lu­tion: Re­move Knack from your disc drive, de­stroy it with a meat ten­deriser, and then restart your con­sole with a bet­ter game in it.

Prob­lem: “OMFG, A BLUE OR RED RING OR LINE IS TO­TALLY BLINK­ING!” So­lu­tion: OMFG! You are to­tally right to panic if a light of any shape or colour blinks, be­cause even though blink­ing lights are in­stantly fa­tal to videogame hard­ware, con­sole de­sign­ers per­versely in­sist on us­ing them. At this point, many trou­bleshoot­ing guides of­fer lame sug­ges­tions along the lines of “turn off your con­sole for ten sec­onds”, like a doc­tor ad­vis­ing some­one with a suck­ing chest wound to take an as­pirin. Or they’ll ad­vise you to pam­per your hot-blooded con­sole by plac­ing it on a pedestal sculpted from Gläce Lux­ury Ice and blast­ing it with ax­ial fans. But there’s only one sure way to save your con­sole from this scourge: pry off, shat­ter or other­wise dis­able any light that looks like it’s even think­ing about blink­ing as soon as you take your new con­sole out of the box. Easy peasy. It’s re­ally dumb that no one has thought of this yet.

Prob­lem: “My con­sole cost a king’s ran­som, and now it keeps mak­ing my smart­phone tweet at my re­frig­er­a­tor, and I’m pretty sure it’s reporting my ev­ery move to shad­owy govern­ment sur­veil­lance agencies.” So­lu­tion: Dis­able Kinect, ren­der­ing your con­sole use­less, and dust off your ZX Spec­trum, which won’t run Halo 5, but also won’t turn your den into an Or­wellian po­lice state.

Prob­lem: “There’s smoke seep­ing out of my con­sole.” So­lu­tion: Con­trary to what you might rea­son­ably guess, this doesn’t mean your con­sole is about to ex­plode. Ex­ces­sive amounts of smoke com­ing from your con­sole is a sure sign that the mag­i­cal gnomes in­side it have gone on strike be­cause of your fail­ure to cy­cle, and have be­gun to smoke fu­ri­ously in protest. Your best bet is to mur­der the gnomes by sub­merg­ing your con­sole in the bath­tub, though if the hard­ware sur­vives, you will of course no longer be able to up­date it.

Prob­lem: “My con­sole seems to be the death knell for a once-mighty com­pany.” So­lu­tion: You have some­how pur­chased a Wii U, even though Nin­tendo went to such great lengths to con­ceal its ex­is­tence and func­tion. Use it as a paper­weight and buy an­other con­sole im­me­di­ately.

Pry off, shat­ter or other­wise dis­able any light that looks like it’s even think­ing about blink­ing

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Australia

© PressReader. All rights reserved.