sorry is the hardest word
...but it may also be the most useful one. Psychologist Harriet Lerner schools us in the art of the apology
The key to a good apology and just why it’s so important.
Acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences has never been so imperative, both at a political level and among neighbours, so psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. She shares her thoughts on saying sorry well and deciding which apologies we should accept. After all, she says, it’s part of the human condition to “take turns at being the offender and the offended”.
FIRST, QUIT APOLOGISING UNNECESSARILY
It interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, “Don’t worry about it.” Just as difficult as toning down the overuse of “sorry” is offering an apology when one is due. Even over-apologisers become non-apologisers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviours that conflict with our favoured image of ourselves. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology without excuses or blame-reversing.
ALWAYS MAKE A SINCERE APOLOGY
One that says, “Yes, I get it; I screwed up. Your feelings make sense, and I’m taking this seriously.” This is at the heart of being successful in leadership, parenting and friendship, and important for our integrity and self-worth. And the failure to apologise? Even a good relationship will suffer quietly – because we really feel it when someone won’t take responsibility for what they said, or didn’t say.
YOU CAN WITHHOLD FORGIVENESS
Every time I open Facebook, I see a post like, “We must forgive or be prisoners of our own bitterness and hate.” People think forgiveness is all or nothing, but you can forgive 10, 97 or 14 per cent. Forgiveness is complicated. Often when someone apologises – like a parent who says, “I’m sorry I neglected you when you were a kid” – they also ask, “Do you forgive me?” because they want the other person to be over it. But healing can take a long time. If we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short. This can be hard for women: we’re raised to be nurturers, the steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. But it shores up your own dignity if you can say, “There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. I forgive you 95 per cent, but not this five per cent.”
WE DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO CONFRONT THOSE WHO HAVE HARMED US
While it’s normal to long for an apology, if you really need it, you’re not ready to speak to whoever harmed you. Non-apologisers tend to walk on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem – they just can’t listen to anything that’s going to set them off balance. So focus on what you say for your own sake, because you need to hear your own voice telling the truth. You can find a safe place to do that, such as with a therapist.
THE BEST APOLOGY I’VE RECEIVED...
It was from my husband, Steve, who slept with a friend of mine decades back, when we were committed but not yet married. Many of the factors that made Steve’s apology so healing are universal. He confessed to the affair, rather than me discovering it. And he’s never blamed the friend or implied I was responsible. He looked into his own history in terms of why it happened, but he never used that as an excuse. To this day, Steve initiates conversations about it and listens to my feelings; he’s never said anything like, “This happened decades ago! Why do you still bring it up?” He’s carrying some of the pain. Our ability to listen without defensiveness is at the heart of a sincere apology.