privacy notice
Tormented? Driven witless? Fear not, help is just a short letter away
TALK LESS, FLATTER MORE
DEAR E JEAN, Is it possible for a reserved person to advance in a company? I’m always told I’m “too quiet”, and yet I’ve always received high performance reviews (many from people who joke around about me being so quiet). Can I ever move up? – Mighty Mouse MIGHTY, MY MUSHROOM Your “high performance reviews” are probably happening because of (not in spite of) the fact you’re quiet. These days, when there are 50 ways to sound like an ass before lunch, it’s a wise woman who knows when to stay mum. The trick is to sound smart when you do speak. So, assuming that you throw yourself at your work and volunteer to solve problems before anyone else puts up her hand, let’s add a career boost. First, combine one word each from the two circles on the left. Then stick your head over a co-worker’s cubicle when she does something clever and say, “Hermione! Magnificent idea!” (You may preface this with a “Wow!” if you’re feeling particularly chirpy.) When you tell people their ideas are brilliant, they rapidly conclude that you are brilliant. This tactic works with the brass, too, and only requires that you utter nine or 10 extra words a week.
But for those special occasions, combine one word each from the two circles on the right. Now, when you run into the VP of sales and have 13 seconds of her attention in the lift, instead of replying to her “How are you?” with “I’m fine”, don’t waste the moment. Say, “I’m fabulous! I gave those pathetic oafs over at [name of competing company] a thrashing by doubling our team’s profitability this week!” People form as strong a bond (or sometimes stronger, as we saw in the US election) over things they hate as over things they love. And Mighty, since one of the best ways to be promoted is to talk about your accomplishments in a way that also makes the company look good, let your wonder and happiness at your own achievement shine through. Good luck!
CLASS CONSCIOUS
DEAR E JEAN, I’m a physician – well-travelled and the daughter of academics. Unlike a lot of the pretentious types I’ve dated in the past, my new boyfriend is a bit of a hillbilly, with a goofy sense of humour, a simple vocabulary and even simpler tastes. He has great values, an excellent career in finance and I’ve jumped on board with the country music, but our last fight was over his love of wrestling. I panicked! I can’t imagine the father of my kids watching Wrestlemania. I know it’s snobbery – I wish I were a simpler girl. What do I do? – Not Into The Smackdown DOCTOR, DOCTOR Bah! What woman doesn’t feel superior to a man? And you’re wrong about wrestling. Auntie E once spent a mythic summer following a small-town troupe of professional wrestlers, and I defy anyone to produce such violent, intellectual combat, such heroic rewrites, such Shakespearean dialogue, such Freudian costumes, such Kafkaesque plots, such Homeric sulks in dressing rooms and such broken kneecaps in audiences. Wrestling is the Louvre for dudes.
Look at what you’ve got here: a fine, goofy, highearning chap who would be, in all likelihood, an amazing husband and father. If I seem short-tempered, it’s because I lost one half of the morning answering emails from women clinging to chumps who are no good for them and the other half answering women dumping chaps who are good for them. I don’t need to tell you which category you fall into, do I?
SPECTACULAR HISTORIC DAZZLING SPELLBINDING GORGEOUS UNPRECEDENTED MAGNIFICENT IDEA SOLUTION STRATEGY FEAT ACHIEVEMENT MANOEUVRE TRIUMPH FRIGHTFUL INSIPID PATHETIC CLUELESS BEWILDERED BLITHERING HEINOUS OAFS CHUMPS IDIOTS CRYBABIES DICKWADS HALFWITS FOOLS