MODERN ETIQUETTE
It’s that time of year when emotions are high and bank balances are often low. Meg Mason shares how to avoid the season’s most awkward moments
INSUFFICIENT FUNDS
“You guys, I’ll get these ones! No, seriously! Put your wallet away.” No, put your wallet away because a slow-clearing Paypal transaction and a forgotten purchase in your lunch hour has bled out your bank account, and you’re about to get Insufficient Funds Face from a bartender who’s already muddled six caipirinhas that cannot be unmuddled. Don’t make up an excuse your friends will see right through – be honest, apologise and consider inviting the party back for cocktails rather than taking a night bus of shame back home. And do note that some bank apps offer lowbalance alerts that will ding you on approach to the bar.
THE CASE OF THE EX
You’ve scanned the Facebook event, stealthily asked the host questions and done everything you can to find out if they’ll be at the party, “they” being your ex and their new partner. But then,
ugh. Don’t be cold. Be cool. Be Bella Hadid on the runway walking past The Weeknd: head held high, shoulders back, rising above it all. You don’t need to make conversation, you don’t need to act pleasant, you don’t need to make your 2.0 like you. Grab a friend as support, take a moment to breathe, say hi, keep it short and don’t let them ruin your night. You’re better than that and you’ve moved on, right?
KIND TAGGING
Is there any worse feeling than waking up to multiple notifications reminding you why your head hurts so much, especially once the hangxiety kicks in? While it might seem like a hilarious idea to post and tag that photo of your friend when she was dancing shoeless on the coffee table, think again. We know by now that the internet doesn’t forget, so save the risk of undoing someone else’s image and Don’t. Post. That. Photo. Ask, be kind or simply keep the joke between friends. If your memory of what happened last night is hazy, the last thing you need is the rest of the world reminding you (or losing a friend over it).
LATE ONSET DRUNKENESS
Everybody knows you don’t drink hard at a work event, open bar or not. You alternate water, line your stomach, watch out for waiters topping up. But towards the end of a high-pressure night, it’s hard not to start confusing
tequila with like, a sports drink that’s loaded with energysustaining electrolytes... and, oh look, you’re drunk! And about to get drunker because alcohol consumed after 10pm somehow becomes slow-release. By 3am, home in bed, you’re more room-spinningly shit-faced than you were in the cab queue. No exceptions – from now on you uphold the two-drink office-party maximum, implement a buddy system with your work BFF and don’t underestimate the value of a quick phantom (exiting the building as soon as the room slants). That is, if you don’t want to wake up in the stationery cupboard with Justin, regional 2IC and fourth-floor fire marshal, as the cleaners are arriving.
POLITICAL PROBLEMS
When you source all your political comment from a carefully curated set of news sites, it’s easy to forget that not everyone shares your visceral hatred of American politicians at the more ginger end of the spectrum. Usually, it’s only when you step outside the echo chamber of your own social circle that you meet someone who truly believes President Whoever has “some very interesting ideas”. Shame that it’s at Christmas lunch and they’re blood relatives. For the sake of the hosts who got up at 5am to start basting the turkey, do not engage. Bite down on your napkin if you have to and whisper a silent prayer for impeachment to Obama. Yes you can.
UNDERGIFTING
“What? I thought we weren’t doing proper presents!” or did you maybe skim the email on your phone and immediately erase information about the format of this year’s friendschristmas dinner? It doesn’t matter now that you’ve just received a perfectly wrapped and – wow – surprisingly weighty gift from your closest friend and, mentally recalling the contents of your bag, realise you can’t pass off a Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil sharpened down to the last inch and a cafe loyalty card with nine holes already punched out as her real present. While the “It’s still coming. From Net-a-porter. Oh my gosh, always select express shipping in December right?” might occasionally work, sometimes an “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise we were doing presents. I feel terrible and you mean the world to me!” is just as nice, as you hurry to the bathroom to order something online to give later. And always read your emails.
UBER SHAME
Considering you’ll never see “Richard” or the back seat of his Mazda3 again, why does it burn so hard to discover he gave you a one-star rating? Especially when it seemed like you both had a good time on that 15-minute crawl through city traffic at 11 o’clock on a Tuesday night? Even if you behaved impeccably and conducted just the one weepy Facetime call while slurringly criticising his route choices, or compulsively vaped the menthol varietal then threw up just a tiny bit on the upholstery, try to imagine what party season must mean to a gigging chauffeur, 11 hours into his shift, and say thank you next time.