PRIVACY NOTICE
because many, many guys will respond to it. But women don’t need any more apps built by dateless chumps, do we, Miss Why? We can handle this ourselves. The twits have caused enough trouble. Time to take matters into our own hands. You have nothing to lose. Send it!
TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE... ELSE
I haven’t worn a dress or high heels in seven years. I haven’t even put on a pair of flattering jeans. I know how to shop and I have ideas on what to wear, but I’m the mother of a seven-year-old with autism and the caregiver to my mother, who is an amputee and has end-stage renal disease. I’ve been in the mummy hole since the birth of my son. At night, I dream about starting a successful blog for larger women like me, but when I buy something pretty and attempt to wear it publicly, my mother reminds me of how terrible I look in clothing.
I feel so guilty! The lovely items I purchase just take up space in my closet because I’m scared to wear them outside. My guilt is almost paralysing. I know I’ll never be the glamour girl that I used to be, but I’m tired of wearing trackies. How do I get over my guilt and shame about my appearance? – BEING PUSHED BACK IN THE HOLE Ahhh, my dearest Miss Pushed I see you’re one of the celestial beings who have come down to visit the Ask E column. Without a notion for yourself, completely at ease with your own supernatural unselfishness, you devote years caring for, pardon me, a cantankerous pill while, at the same time, keeping your son happy at his sheer, dizzy pace. And what do you ask for? What would you like in return? To “get over” your “guilt”. Your guilt! I was so astounded when I first read your letter, I had to walk around outside to feel rational enough to reply to you.
With the deepest respect and warmest benevolence for your mother, I’ll just begin by saying it’ll be a while before she shouts with joy and worships you like the winner of Project Runway when you leave the house wearing a new dress. No doubt it takes most of her mental energy just to keep up her own courage. But you are ready for a change, Miss Pushed. You mention it yourself in the first paragraph of your question. (Luckily for me, most questions contain the answers.) Yes. Take the plunge. Start your blog tonight. Writing will help you discover what you think, and then who you are – and when you discover who you are, you may find almost as much love and compassion for yourself as you feel for your son and mother. And I don’t need to point out that when you feel a liking for yourself, you’ll walk out that door wearing the pretty things you love, do I?
But Auntie E is not stupid. Seven years is a long time, and I know it will take a spectacular act of daring just to put on one of your attractive outfits, let alone get as far as the car still wearing it. So each day, try one small thing: a pair of earrings or a necklace. Then two small things: earrings and a necklace. Then two small things and a sharp pair of shoes. Then a sensational top, etc, etc.
And when your mother gives you the eye? Well, one woman’s style must not be the rule of another’s, and we won’t be savage about your mother’s taste – but I’m guessing she doesn’t understand the exciting spontaneity of fashion nor the fantastic looks you’re pulling off. So when she says you look “terrible”, tell her, “Ma! This is what I’m wearing!” or better yet, next time she’s getting dialysis, bring along a stack of ELLES and go through them together. Nothing is more enlightening than two women bonding over a fashion spread. And send me a link to your blog!
ASK A QUESTION Tweet @ejeancarroll
Q. What should I have in my bag when I’m going out and thinking I may spend the night with a guy?
A. I carry fuzzy slippers, binoculars, a copy of The Brothers Karamazov and a slingshot in my overnight bag. But for you, I recommend tucking your lipstick, your phone, a credit card, a condom and $20 in your clutch. Let him wonder what you’ve got in mind. Then if you’re cute and confident, you wear his T-shirt and boxers to breakfast.