ask e jean
TORMENTED? DRIVEN WITLESS? FEAR NOT, HELP IS JUST A SHORT LETTER AWAY
MRS ROBINSON I’m thriving in a snazzy new job, and last night I returned from a week at an interstate office. Tired and jet-lagged, I ordered a bottle of bourbon from the local alcohol store. The delivery boy was hot – a wiry, tattooed bike messenger type with David Bowie cheekbones and green eyes. I went to tip him and discovered I had no cash. So I invited him in for some bourbon. I didn’t have sex with him, but we did a little of everything else, just like in high school. Which he no doubt remembers very well, since he is 24. I just turned 49. Dilemma one: he just texted me to see me again. Dilemma two: I haven’t had sex in over a year. Dilemma three: I can’t possibly look that good. Is he just hustling me?
— WITTY IN THE CITY
Witty, my love. Of course he’s hustling you – and Aunty Eeee adores him for it! Because of all the bourbon, brandy, rum, vodka and gin cocktails in the world, the sweetest swig is the Older Woman chased by a Younger Man. Your affair will be short. Hence, it will be fabulous. Return his text. What are you waiting for? A younger guy to come along? Sometimes a woman should lose her wits. HIGH RISE My boyfriend made the following series of remarks about my high forehead: “I thought you were balding.” “I’m telling you about it so you can fix it.” “Your hairline is abnormal; I don’t like it.” I finally broke down crying for a day and a half. He apologised. I accepted, but the truth is, I’m devastated. I’ve been reading self-help books trying to restore my self-confidence while simultaneously looking up fore head reduction surgery. Will this solve our problem with my perceived flaw? — HAIR-RAISING
Raising, my young radish. Aunty Eeee is pretty chill, but an advice columnist can only take so much of this male arrogance. Here you are, a great beauty (I looked you up), a member – along with Rihanna, Reese, Tyra, and Angelina – of the Fabulous Foreheads League, and your boyfriend wants you to “fix it”? No. Here’s the rule: when a man tells you something he doesn’t like about your body; stand up! Be a tigress! Fire back three things you don’t like about his body. And let’s put an end to this hogwash. AN AFFAIR (NOT) TO REMEMBER My husband has admitted to having an affair, but he doesn’t want a divorce. I’m very curious about the “other woman”. I just need to meet her face-to-face and find out if hubby is telling the truth about it being over. I’m not looking to hurt her or rant and rave. I just want to meet her, ask about their affair, and put it behind me. Then I can decide whether or not to leave my husband.
— I WANT A POWWOW
Miss Powwow, you genius! If this isn’t the juiciest idea to appear in the Ask Eeee column in years, I’ll run a mile in five-inch heels. I’ve always believed marriages would be more fun if partners weren’t so attached to impossible ideals of monogamy. So yes, I like your idea. I think it should be a law. Because if husbands knew that wives would soon be meeting the “other woman”, male infidelity would nosedive.
Call the lady and propose meeting for drinks. She’ll be suspicious (ironic, eh?), so assure her you just wish to chat. But be warned: you won’t get “the truth about it being over”. You’ll get a truth. But do you really want to hear how many times your husband told her he loved her? Or that he liked her legs better than yours? Or that he took her to your favourite bistro on the river? Or perhaps that lady will simply smile, clasp your hand to her heart, throw her eyes toward heaven, and begin lying her lips off.
Well, well, I see I’ve changed my mind. Meeting the “other woman” should not be a law. With odds of both good and evil arising from your meeting, weigh up your rendezvous carefully. You’ve already withstood a hailstorm of pain. Do you want to go through another? It may be best to forgive the chump or move on. E