Around the world in 12 stories
Griezmann becomes a dancing hot dog, Ribery poses as Ali G and Suarez tries to replace Neymar with Tiger Woods – the new campaign is turning everyone loopy
1 A REAL FOOTBALL BRAIN England Burslem
Remember when San Diego’s brand new soccer franchise held a poll to decide their name, and the winner was Footy Mcfooty Face? Sadly, San Diego later backed out of the idea, but Footy Mcfooty Face is back – as a real person playing for Port Vale.
The wacky photographic evidence was captured during a recent Vale game featuring a man with a ball for a head. We’ve studied it, and can’t explain it. Apparently it was Tyrone Barnett, but we’ll just be calling the striker Mr Mcfooty Face from now on.
2 DON’T HAVE NIGHTMARES, KIDS Australia Melbourne
Marouane Fellaini didn’t transform into a football during the UEFA Super Cup, but he was smashed in the face by one.
The image of the gurning Manchester United midfielder went viral, inspiring a Melbourne street artist to splash it 10ft high on a wall in one of the city’s underpasses. Pity the souls who have to walk past it on their way home at night – it would give you the creeps.
3 “BOSS, THE SUBS KEEP BURPING” Czech Republic Plzen
Plzen is the home of the world-famous Pilsner beer, so the brainstorm meeting for Viktoria Plzen’s new dugout design didn’t take long. “What about making it look like a massive beer can?” one guy probably suggested. “Yes, that sounds pretty good. Right, let’s go to the pub.”
It’s all part of a sponsorship deal with the local beer company. Sadly, entry to the dugout isn’t via a gigantic ring-pull.
4 LEGIA FANS MEAN BUSINESS Poland Warsaw
When Legia Warsaw fans make a tifo, they take it seriously. Three years ago fans unveiled a banner of a 100ft pig, criticising UEFA after being kicked out of the Champions League as they had fielded an ineligible player. This time a banner depicted a German soldier holding a gun to a young boy’s head, in memory of the thousands of kids killed during 1944’s Warsaw Uprising.
UEFA soon fined them €35,000 for the banner, so fans wheeled out the pig tifo again for the next game. Good to see them getting more use out of it.
5 GRIZI: THE MUSICAL Spain Madrid
OK, here’s the scenario: you are Antoine Griezmann, one of the best footballers in the world, but life gets really stressful sometimes. How do you get away from it all and just relax? By posting videos of yourself as a dancing hot dog, naturally.
So that’s what the Atletico Madrid man did, taking full advantage of a Snapchat filter as he sang along to the classic DJ Otzi hit Hey Baby (Uhh, Ahh). Well, even Frank Sinatra had to start somewhere.
6 ZENIT’S BALE AND RONALDO Russia Krasnoye
Zenit’s new stadium took a decade to finish, but things were rather easier for farmer Roman Ponomarev. Mocking the new venue, he built his very own ‘Zenit Arena’ out of straw bales in five days.
The arena features sets of legs that stick out from the exterior – labelled as ‘Ronaldo’ and ‘Messi’. Neymar is no doubt tutting at his snub and debating whether to now activate a clause in his contract demanding his own stadium made of straw, and for twice the price.
7 ZLATAN DOESN’T PLAY GAMES, THE GAME IS ZLATAN Sweden Stockholm
Zlatan Ibrahimovic may be injured but he is keeping busy – launching a new iphone game called ‘Zlatan Legends’. The Swede’s the main character and travels in outer space playing ‘Driftball’.
Everything goes smoothly until you reach the Anderlecht Level, where he suddenly starts hobbling around a lot and is forced to miss the game’s finale.
8 A MODEL CLUB Ecuador Quito
When the Ecuadorian side El Nacional announced they had signed Riquelme, fans probably expected the ex-boca and Villarreal midfielder to arrive. But no, they had actually hired renowned beauty Larissa Riquelme and asked her to hang around the club for a few days.
“I will sign autographs and encourage new members,” the Paraguayan model said, as El Nacional attempted to revive interest after a poor season. It worked: fans queued to meet her and the team even won during her visit. What’s next? Cara Delevingne rocking up at Yeovil?
9 NACHO MONRE-OWL England London
If there is one thing that Nacho Monreal really loves after an exhausting evening lining up for Arsenal at the Emirates, it’s a quiet afternoon just chilling with owls.
No sooner had the final whistle blown at the end of the Gunners’ opener with Leicester, the Spanish full-back was busy planning a trip to a local owl sanctuary – soon posing for pictures with ‘Oli’. He had a hoot... and the owl enjoyed it too.
10 FRANCK RIBERY, INNIT Germany Chemnitz
Either Franck Ribery’s a big fan of Ali G Indahouse and is playing some kind of knowing joke on the world, or he needs to have a serious word with himself...
Boarding a private plane on the way back from Bayern Munich’s cup match at Chemnitzer, the 34-year-old donned a bizarre all-yellow costume, complete with a medallion. If Franck turns up for Bayern’s next home game in a bright green mankini, the Sacha Baron Cohen obsession will have gone way too far.
11 “WAIT! DON’T GO THAT WAY...” England Brighton
It would be harsh to suggest you could have driven a bus through the Brighton defence early in the new season, and you definitely cannot drive a minibus through a tunnel near their stadium.
Manchester City fans found that out the hard way, getting stuck outside the Seagulls’ Amex home. Stocked up with fuel but completely immobile, the bus gave supporters terrible flashbacks of the ‘glory’ days when City had Jo and Felipe Caicedo playing for them upfront.
12 “CAN YOU PLAY, TIGER? WE’RE A MAN SHORT” USA Miami
The bad news: Barcelona were recently plunged into one of their biggest crises of the 21st century. The good news: Luis Suarez finally got to meet Tiger Woods.
Suarez saw the golfing great during the final days of pre-season – the look on the Uruguayan’s face suggested he was pondering asking if Tiger could play on the left wing. Probably wise that he didn’t: Woods was years ahead of the Catalan club in the art of turning global dominance into a humiliating fiasco...