Geoff Shreeves’ toga party
Look out Arsene: the Sky Sports reporter and former fish fraudster is rather fixated on Roman fashion
Hi Geoff. Howard Webb recently told us he used to steal toilet rolls. Have you ever committed a petty crime? Hi. When I was a teenager I worked in an aquatics centre, and people used to buy fish. Often they would get an extra Shubunkin or Black Moor in their bag. Defrauding an aquarium is quite an exotic wrongdoing, don’t you think? Well, some people in a pub might slip someone a ‘Mickey Finn’ [spiked drink], whereas I’d just slip in a few extra fins. How was life as an aquarium worker? I loved it. I was 14. Me and a mate had a running gag, which was trying to get the word ‘toga’ into our chats with the customers, because we were obsessed with the toga party in Animal House. Not necessarily simple when you’re trying to sell someone a clownfish. Exactly. There were two ways. The easy one was to do a big yawn. They’d say: “Late night?” You’d reply: “Toga party.” And the hard way? When you are explaining to someone how to put in a new garden pond you would say: “Dig a hole, then choose a liner – which can be rigid glass fibre or a rubber sheet. Then you put some weights on the side of it and pour the water in, to take the form of the hole itself, so you’ve got a sealed cavity.” An intriguing start... Then you’d say: “You need plants to oxygenate the water – but you can’t just put earth into a pond, because it will get muddy. So take a wire basket, and before you fill it with earth, line it with a semi-permeable cloth. You can use hessian, or perhaps an old toga.” Success. They would often say: “Er, what?” And you’d reply: “An old toga – a toga you don’t wear any more. Maybe one with an old-fashioned cut.” Somebody did ask me once: “So have you got any old togas that we could use for that, then?” Magic. Maybe you could try to work togas into an interview with Wenger? Now you’ve set me a challenge there... It could get nasty. What’s the worst haranguing you’ve had from a gaffer? Once, after I’d asked [former Everton manager] Howard Kendall a question that he didn’t like, he jabbed me with a little punch in between each syllable of his answer. “Ab-so-lutely-no-f**kingchance-what-so-ever.” I replied: “So I’ll take that as a no, then?” and he did at least have the grace to smile at me. What’s the silliest question you’ve ever asked a Premier League player? When a manager is under pressure, we always ask players whether he is ‘the right man to turn it around’. Why? They are never going to claim they need the sack. And yet I still repeat it to this day. Would you like to ask Ask A Silly Question a question of your own? Er… which interviewee has given you the most unexpected answer ever? Peter Crouch claiming that he dreams about being a dwarf was a surprise. Quite. I always dream that I’m back at school and I’m not ready for my exams. Classic. Your name is an anagram of ‘he’s free of vegs’. What’s the longest you’ve gone without eating greens? Not that long, to be honest. I love fruit and veggies – I always get five a day. The best veg? The aubergine, grilled. A fine choice. Would you describe yourself as a beetroot man, Geoff? Anything pickled. Gherkins, okra... and I like bananas. It’s a meal in itself. In our job, you’re at the mercy of service stations, so you need your vitamins. How extreme will you go when you are dining? Would you kill a toucan and then eat it raw for 30 grand? Actual butchering would be going too far for me – I’m too much of a coward. But I might eat a toucan – I’ve eaten some ostrich before and it’s very good. Cheers for chatting Geoff. Toga! Thanks.