Around the world in 12 stories
Fourfourtwo never once thought we would see the day when Jordon Mutch was in South Korea and posing for a bout with an anthropomorphic bird, but here we are
1 THE THIGH OF GOD Mexico Culiacan
Dorados goalkeeper Gaspar Servio had a cunning plan to curry favour with manager Diego Maradona: he got a tattoo of the legend on his thigh.
Servio’s tattoo features a smiling Diego with the phrase, ‘I believe in God’. The club started 2019 poorly, though, so a sequel tattoo may be in the offing – maybe one of an angry Diego flipping the bird, with ‘I believed in God but then he lost the plot’ written in Spanish.
2
“WON’T THESE PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?” Italy Reggio Emilia
Cristiano Ronaldo is a magnet for pitch invaders – he’s still cursing that fan who thwarted his attack in Real Madrid’s Champions League final victory against Liverpool – and Italy provides no respite.
As Juventus led Sassuolo, one CR7 fan had an idea. “Do you know what he’d love? If I ran on topless and did his goal celebration right in front of him.” So he did. An unimpressed Ronaldo humoured the interloper with a pat on the cheek, before stewards took him away. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
3 SEND IN THE CLOWNS Germany Mainz
It must be fun (or exhausting) to live in Mainz, where carnival lasts from November 11 all the way to March 6.
Naturally, the city’s Bundesliga side – who are often called ‘the carnival club’ – held a special carnival day for their fixture against Bayer Leverkusen. Mainz played in a multi-coloured kit, but even that paled in comparison to these guys turning up before kick-off. Leverkusen weren’t clowning around, however, and thrashed the hosts 5-1. Party-poopers.
4
IT’S ALL PAUL POGBA’S FAULT Russia Balashikha
FFT has commissioned some extensive scientific research, and the conclusions are in: nothing is funnier than seeing Jose Mourinho fall on his backside.
Randomly appearing at an ice hockey match in Russia, Mourinho was given a simple task: drop the ceremonial puck, then leave. But with comic timing that Miranda Hart would admire, Mourinho repeated his trick from Wembley last September and lost his footing to fall ice over tip. Based on the crowd reaction, the Russian for ‘Wahey!’ is ‘Wahey!’
5
FOUNDER MEMBER England Nottingham
It’s been a tough time for Notts County owner Alan Hardy. For a start, Notts are battling to avoid the first ever relegation to non-league in their 157-year history. Then he accidentally tweeted a picture of his manhood (look, we’ve all done it).
Lincoln fans offered little sympathy, turning up for a game waving inflatable penises. One bloke even wore a rubber phallus on his face. Cue more headlines – Hardy has never had such exposure.
6
“I DON’T FANCY YOURS, MUTCH” South Korea Changwon
Jordon Mutch moving to South Korea was strange enough, but then things became weirder when he was unveiled.
Gyeongnam announced their signing of the former Cardiff and Crystal Palace midfielder by lining him up next to their mascot, making a fist as if ready to fight the bird in a 12-round heavyweight duel... or should that be featherweight?
7
DOG 1 STREAKER 0 Argentina Rosario
Following the unadulterated chaos that accompanied the Copa Libertadores final, one woman wanted to make a stand and knew how to do it: by streaking, covered in body paint, while Rosario Central took on River Plate.
Protesting violence in football, she painted the colours of River and Boca Juniors on each bum cheek and the colours of Rosario and rivals Newell’s Old Boys on each breast – creative, though not on a par with this fixture in 2014, when a dog defecated on the pitch mid-game. Now that’s a protest.
8
NEXT TIME, TRY BOOKING VANESSA-MAE INSTEAD Netherlands Amsterdam
Ajax wanted to do something special before their Champions League last 16 tie against Real Madrid, so they invited Andre Rieu to play the violin pre-match.
The legendary 69-year-old fiddler is a big Ajax fan, and performed before their semi-final against Bayern Munich in 1995, which Ajax won 5-2. No such luck here: inspired by Rieu’s rendition of Verdi, Ajax did dominate the match but Real Madrid triumphed 2-1 with Sergio Ramos playing the world’s tiniest violin.
9 ANOTHER ONE FOR THE ALBUM England London
Mike Dean likes a laugh almost as much as a dramatic penalty call, and now everyone’s favourite/least favourite* (*delete as applicable) Premier League referee is doling out hugs to players.
The look of joy on Dean’s face as he embraced Arsenal’s Matteo Guendouzi suggests he enjoyed it, but we’d like to see what would happen if he tried that with Roy Keane. No, really, we would.
10
“DID YOU MISS ME?” USA Los Angeles
The new MLS season is underway this month, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic was keen to tell the world he was ready.
A month after posting a picture on Instagram of an obese lion with the caption ‘off-season’, he followed it up with an ‘in-season’ snap – topless and screaming at the camera, obviously. He may be 37, but Zlatan is still Zlatan.
11
WHAT A HOOT Turkey Istanbul
Have you ever wanted to see Demba Ba wearing an owl mask? Then we have good news! The former Newcastle and Chelsea striker donned the disguise for his unveiling at Istanbul Basaksehir, the official sponsors of Premier League Retirement Homes (Ba’s team-mates include captain Emre Belogozlu, 38, as well as ex-manchester City trio Robinho, Gael Clichy and Emmanuel Adebayor).
Ba’s new club are known as the Owls, like a Turkish Sheffield Wednesday. If only the English side’s unveilings were as creative – FFT would have paid good money to see Steve Bruce swoop into Hillsborough in full tawny owl costume.
12
HAPPY VALLE Ecuador Sangolqui
Ecuador won’t do dull unveilings, either: Independiente del Valle announced their players for the new season by making them all dance, Fortnite-style.
Defender Luis Segovia pretended to ride an imaginary horse, and the entire backroom staff also got involved, with goalkeeping coach Francisco Vasconez doing the floss. As it has proved to be a viral hit, maybe a few English clubs should follow suit. So, Brucey, while we’ve got you in that owl costume...