Dominic Calvert-lewin wants a worldwide ban on parmesan

The Everton forward would welcome a wildcat minion, if only to protect him from smelly cheese

Hi, Dom. As one of many footballers out there now with a double-barrelled name, does it ever get annoying when you’re filling in forms? Hi. It used to be annoying when I was younger, yeah. But I can do it really quickly now, although my handwriting isn’t that good. Who’s the best double-barrelled footballer around? [Laughing] I’m the best! I’ll give the award to me! There’s also Callum Hudson-odoi, Ruben Loftus-cheek, Morgan Gibbs-white – but I would say the best other player is Kyle Walker-peters. He’s a good guy and I play with him for England. We sit down and have conversations about our double-barrelled surnames. Will we see a quadruple-barrelled player one day? If one of your kids married one of James Ward-prowse’s offspring, how good would young Bob Calvert-lewin-ward-prowse be? It could happen, couldn’t it? Along the line, you’re going to have eight, 10 names. And he’d be pretty good, although I’d never force a kid into playing football. My mum and dad never did; it was always my choice. Good attitude. Your name is an anagram of ‘clever wildcat minion’. Would you like an intelligent feral feline as a servant? Clever wildcat minion? That’s decent. I’ll take a wildcat minion – whatever they are – though I’m more of a dog man, really. I’m not able to look after one properly at the moment, but I’ll get one in the future. There’s a nice Instagram picture of you wearing some spectacles. Are you short-sighted, or are they just a fashion accessory? Ha! They’re an accessory. I saw them in a shop in London. I thought they’d look good with a cap, so I put them on. I still wear them occasionally with an outfit. And if I put the cap on, too, they’re a good disguise! Who’s the greatest spectacle-wearer of all time? My team-mate, Tom Davies. He wears good glasses, and lots of different types of shades. He has a strong shade game. What’s the most episodes of one TV show you’ve ever watched in one go? I’ve done six Game of Thrones episodes back-to-back. I like that Khaleesi. Do you think the Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Borrower of Armies is going to win the last series, or will those icy bastards prevail? She’s going to win, because she’s got the dragons. Fire and ice is a big battle, but I reckon she’s got the edge. If Everton ended up in a Game of Thrones-type situation, who would be king, and who would be first to get brutally killed or eaten? Me, Tom Davies and Jonjoe Kenny would end up taking over the place, as we’ve got the best bond in the squad. We would come together and get some team spirit going. I think I’d do all right – my survival skills and initiative are OK. Bernard would be the first eaten, because he’s the smallest. What’s currently on your smartphone wallpaper and why? It’s a picture of my little bro in a flat cap – a baby picture. Why’s it a picture of him as a baby? Well, he’s still a baby! He’s only coming up to his first birthday. It always puts a smile on my face. I’m hoping we’ll be really good mates when he’s older.

“I WOULD DO ALL RIGHT IN GAME OF THRONES. BERNARD WOULD BE THE FIRST EATEN”

So, have you been getting stuck into the nappy changes? Not at all – I live in Liverpool and he’s over in Sheffield, so I only see him every couple of weeks. But I just have him for an hour, and when he starts moaning I give him straight back. I can’t say I’ve ever changed a nappy. It’s definitely best avoided. Which are your most-used emojis? I like using the laughing face a lot. I’m in some good group chats with my mates, and the conversations are quite funny. Do you ever send the laughing emoji even though you didn’t laugh? Oh yeah, all the time. No one’s going to be any the wiser. What would you like to make illegal? Can we ban parmesan cheese? That absolutely stinks. I’m not a cheese fan. I can’t eat it on its own, although I like pizza, which people find strange. Peculiar. Are you a fan of either of the confections associated with your club: the Toffee or the Everton mints? If I ever want something minty I’ll have chewing gum, but I love a toffee. At the cinema pick ’n’ mix, I’ll fill it with fudge and toffees – maybe a few cola cubes. What’s the most physical pain you have ever experienced? I had growing pains in both knees as a kid, called Osgood-schlatter, I had a bad case, and if you got knocked on them, it hurt. I was one of those kids who went from 5ft 8in to 6ft very fast. Every time you bend or put any weight on your knees, it’s like being bashed. Oof. If you were a darts player, what would your walk-on music be? Feed ’Em To The Lions by Solo 45. [Starts singing] Feed ’em to the lions! Thanks for the song. Have you ever played Pokemon Go? No, I never got into it. I don’t play too much on my phone – maybe a bit of 8 Ball Pool. I mainly end up watching loads of videos on Youtube. Are we talking kids making slime and chimps riding bikes? I’m mainly watching lots of new rap videos. All sorts, really. I like Rich The Kid at the moment. Do you have a catchphrase? What do you find yourself saying a lot? With the lads, we say, “Doggy Don’t Miss” quite a lot. It can apply to a lot of situations, including scoring a goal. Finally: share a weird dream with us. I had one recently where I thought there was someone in the hotel room with me, but there wasn’t. I had to get up and check inside the wardrobes, but I couldn’t find anyone. That was weird. Phew! Cheers for chatting, Dom. No problem.