Luther Blissett: “Grab a chair and smash some heads...”
The former Watford star is ready to battle evil with a chair – if the anarchists don’t get there first
“FOUR ITALIAN GUYS GOT ARRESTED AND THEY ALL GAVE THEIR NAME AS LUTHER BLISSETT!”
Hello Luther! You once declared that, “Anyone can be Luther Blissett simply by adopting the name Luther Blissett.” Can FFT be Luther Blissett for this interview, please? Hi. Of course! It would be my honour. Great. You were pretty much the only famous English Luther, until fictional TV detective Luther came along. How do you feel about that? I’m very pleased. My name is out there. People like the show, and I’m a big fan myself. Idris Elba is really good. It’s not exactly a common name, so the more Luthers the better. My name, Luther, and my middle name, Loide, come from uncles and grandparents way back. Have you met many other Luthers? Yes, including a baby that was named after me. That’s an honour. A Luther’s not a David! I’ve still got a photograph of little Luther somewhere. If you were ever murdered, which TV detective would you want to look into the crime? I love all that detective stuff. Columbo, Magnum PI, Starsky & Hutch... But if I was murdered, I think I’d want Luther on the case. He would definitely find out who did it, and he would definitely deal with them if the law couldn’t. Should Idris Elba be the next James Bond, and if not, who should? I don’t think so. It’s taking being PC a bit too far. If you read Ian Fleming, Bond is Scottish. It’s a good one for a debate, but my choice would either be that lad from The Bodyguard, or even better, the guy from Mcmafia. Who was most handsome: you in your pomp, or Idris Elba? [Wild chuckling] It’s me! By a mile! Idris has got a lot of work to do. Do you think you would have been a good detective? I’d have been rubbish. I’m not a man for detail. There’s a lot of laborious stuff that goes into police work. Doing all the research for going on TV is hard enough… I certainly wouldn’t want to do it every day. Did you enjoy the smooth sounds of Luther Vandross? I absolutely loved him. People always ask if I can sing as good as him, and the answer is a definitive no. Even though Luther has been dead all this time, his voice is still better than mine. I think I sound good singing in the car, but you wouldn’t really want my voice inflicted on anyone. What’s your karaoke go-to? Easy! Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. Everyone can join in, so it hides your singing! I’d like to be able to sing. I’d love to have done a duet with Gladys Knight. That version of Midnight Train to Georgia is incredible. You share a birthday with Harry Styles from One Direction. Would you say you’re a fan? In a word: no. He seems all right, I’ve heard it, it doesn’t offend me in any way, but One Direction doesn’t get me out of my seat. According to Wikipedia, your name, “has been adopted by many people in radical activist circles as a nom de plume or collective alias when engaged in unusual performances, situationist pranks, media hoaxes, and the production of radical theory.” What did you think of this? [Laughs] It took me an awful long time to get all that set up in the background while being a professional footballer! Ha! It’s one of those ‘Did You Know?’ facts. The anarchists using my name is very special. I first found out about it when I went to Venice towards the end of the 1980s, and someone had painted “LUTHER BLISSETT” on a bridge. Then it became known back in the UK after four Italian guys got arrested on a train and all gave their name to the police as Luther Blissett! At the time, I didn’t have a clue what to think. Now I see it more as a back-handed compliment, but some very intelligent people were clearly involved.
In 1999, Luther Blissett authored a historical novel called Q which sold hundreds of thousands of copies. Did you read it? I did buy a copy. I must admit, I didn’t get too far into it. It was beyond me. It wasn’t light reading, put it that way. What’s your favourite reading matter? I’m a magazine man. I read a lot of car magazines and sports magazines. I like reading about how things work. Including Fourfourtwo, the world’s greatest football magazine? Of course! I would always get a copy of Fourfourtwo – my staple diet. Where do you most enjoy reading the multiple award-winning publication, which you can now get a three-issue trial subscription of for a paltry £1? It was great for a journey to an away match, especially overnight trips on a coach. Fourfourtwo has always been very, very good. It really has. Now, we’ve got some vegetable soup that’s five days past its sell-by date. Eat it or chuck it? Definitely eat it! It’s vegetables, so no problem. The date is just there for the shops to protect themselves. As long as it’s not meat that’s gone off, you’re fine. When the maggots appear, it’s not a good idea. If you can smell it, bin it. If you woke up one night and found your bed surrounded by zombies, would you stay completely still or start kicking them in the knackers? It depends on what the zombies are doing. If they’re poking around, then I’d have to find some way of evacuating the room. I’ve seen The Walking Dead, and those zombies don’t just walk off. So I’m thinking grab a chair and start smashing some heads. It’s like football – attack is the best form of defence. Who’s the best character in the Bible? Judas. We all know someone like Judas. You speak to them and they’re your best friend, but they’re plotting against you for the sake of a hamburger. I’ve got one or two personal Judases, but we won’t name them here. Finally, have you had any baffling dreams lately? I had an incredible one a couple of mornings ago. I was sitting by an open fire, and a dog got onto the fire. It set itself alight, then turned into a cat. But the cat wasn’t suffering, it just sat there, glowing red. I woke up suddenly and thought, ‘What the hell?’ That’s utterly terrifying! Thanks for chatting, Luther! My pleasure.