Everton great Graeme Sharp discusses nightclub hoovers
The Everton great lifts the lid on his feathered dreams and bemoans Graham Poll’s choice of cereal
Hi Graeme. You’re promoting a new documentary about Howard Kendall which is called Howard’s Way. What did you think of the original television drama, set among loads of yachts on the south coast?
Hi there. You know what? I hadn’t even connected the name to that – it’s only just vaguely come back to me. People with boats, Sunday night on the BBC... I think maybe my wife used to be more of a spectator than myself.
What was the greatest TV drama to be broadcast during your career?
I was a really big fan of The Sweeney. That shows you how old I’m getting. Being in Liverpool, I watched a bit of Brookside. You’d come into contact with the actors sometimes, like Simon O’brien, who was a massive Everton fan. And Boys from the Blackstuff, with Graeme Souness doing a little cameo. These days, I quite like watching the true-to-life gangster things – Narcos, Escobar, Gomorrah.
Which character would you most like to go for a beer with?
I’m watching Surviving Escobar: Alias JJ at the moment, which is about Pablo Escobar’s hitman. He was interesting. It’s such a gripping show, all about the cartel, although there are around 60 episodes to get through! I say I’d like to have a beer with them, but in reality you probably wouldn’t.
We think there’s a touch of Escobar about Graeme Souness. Would he have made a good cocaine kingpin? Oh definitely, I think so. He had the moustache and would have been an excellent drug lord. He’s got the look and he’s also got the fear factor – a ferocious character. A couple of those Liverpool players had the Escobar look, actually. Terry Mcdermott had it, too. Scary. Back to Howard’s Way – what’s the best boat you’ve ever been on? Well, I’ve been on the QE2.
The best boat ever!
It was fantastic. It was while my wife was pregnant with our daughter. There was a gentleman who was an Everton fan, who was the cruise director, and he asked us if we fancied going. I thought, ‘Wow’. Unfortunately, my wife got very seasick, but I had the time of my life, cruising the Med. A lot of the staff were Scousers and they all looked after me. I went to the buffet and bar for a week, and at the end of it my tab was £3.50. That was a good boat trip.
Superb. You were the player-manager of Bangor City for a while. How’s your Welsh these days?
I can’t say much, even though I live in Wales! I know ‘Croeso i Cymru’ means ‘Welcome to Wales’, because I see that on the road sign every time I drive over the border from England.
Who would you claim is the greatest Welshman of all time?
Ooh… there have been a few. I’m going to say Neville Southall – have you seen the size of him lately? I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of him. What a great man, though. He was the best goalkeeper in the world at the time, in my opinion, and even better than Peter Schmeichel. It’s a shame he never got onto the European stage to really prove that. He was a scary keeper.
Graeme, your name is an anagram of ‘Mr Rage Shape’ – when did you last get so angry that steam was coming out of your ears?
My wife would tell you that is a brilliant name for me – I lose my temper very easily. People with bad manners is the big one. And watching Everton get beat all of the time. And racism… I’ve never
“HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF NEVILLE SOUTHALL LATELY? I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HIM”
understood that in my life. That makes me really mad. It’s from the dark ages. Good man. Now, down the years we have been conducting a survey among Graemes and Grahams, to determine the best Graeme/graham of all time. Graeme Le Saux, for example, went for writer Graham Greene, but referee Graham Poll voted for the breakfast cereal, Golden Grahams. Who or what would you go for?
Oh dearie me – that’s a such a referee’s answer. Absolutely terrible. How could you vote for Golden Grahams? The best one for me was Graham Hill, the racing driver. He was absolutely fantastic, with a dashing moustache. [Starts discussion with wife] My wife says Graham Norton, but I’ll leave that one alone.
Norton cannot be top of the Pantheon of Grahams.
Graeme Souness is getting mentioned a lot here, but he was a good Graeme. There’s also a Scottish artist with my name, Graeme Sharp, who’s very good. Have you never had Golden Grahams for brekkie?
No. I’m a simple breakfast-eater. I used to have porridge and milk, but now I’ll just go for a cup of tea and one slice of bread with butter.
Peter Reid told us that he once drank vodka and Listerine after running out of Coke. He said: “I was bollocksed, though my breath smelled fantastic.” Have you ever sampled one of Reidy’s famous cocktails?
I have drunk with Peter, and that does not surprise me. I was comparatively sensible, though. I’ve had the odd daft shot of something or other, and it was disgusting. I don’t mind a nice whisky after a round of golf, but I’m too old for the crazy cocktails.
Where’s the strangest place you have ever woken up?
I woke up in a nightclub in Spain once with a woman hoovering around me at 8.30am. I got myself back to the hotel pretty sharpish.
Do you ever hoover at home?
Yes, I’m quite domesticated. We’ve got one of those Shark vacuum cleaners – they’re really good.
Finally, can you describe the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?
I don’t like it when birds flap around me, and I have the odd dream where there are a lot of feathers flapping around the place. I then wake up very startled – it’s extremely weird.
Thanks for chatting, Graeme!
No problem!
‘Everton – Howard’s Way’ is available to purchase now on DVD and digital