Mike Phelan: eagle whisperer

...Rio de Janeiro, Copa Libertadores madness reaches its only logical conclusion: an eight-year-old with a beard

1 FLAMENGO’S LITTLE HIPSTER

Is it just us, or are kids growing beards when they’re a hell of a lot younger these days?

Every football-loving eight-year-old has a favourite player. They put their poster on their bedroom wall, or wear a shirt with their name on it. But, no, that wasn’t enough for one child in Rio de Janeiro, who turned up to a live screening of the Copa Libertadores final at the Maracana with dyed hair and a full beard – drawn on, we think – in honour of Flamengo’s Gabriel Barbosa.

Still, at least he didn’t have fireworks strapped to his chest, as a young child did at 2018’s Libertadores final between River Plate and Boca Juniors. This year’s final

– played in Lima, Peru, between Flamengo and River – was calmer, as CONMEBOL introduced stormtroopers to guard the trophy before kick-off, although Barbosa was sent off after scoring the late brace that won the game.

To be fair, a 92nd-minute winner after an 89th-minute equaliser does merit getting carried away. We can only assume this kid’s beard is now tattooed onto his face...

2 MIKE PHELAN: EAGLE WHISPERER

Manchester United’s Europa League trip to Astana did end in a 2-1 defeat, but it wasn’t a wasted journey: Mike Phelan got to pose next to an eagle.

If you’d asked us which Old Trafford assistant was likeliest to buddy up with a Kazakh bird of prey (and why wouldn’t you?), then Phelan wouldn’t have been our opening guess, frankly: Steve Mcclaren, maybe, or Brian Kidd at a push, but to FFT the incumbent No.2 has always seemed more like a man who keeps racing pigeons.

And yet Phelan was in his element when he met the Central Asian eagle, even declaring that he had ‘found a flying winger’ – that’ll be Alexis Sanchez’s replacement sorted, then.

3 “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU’RE NOT SCARED?”

Wydad in Morocco thought they had no need for an eagle – not when they had a fire-breathing dragon instead. The mythical creature was part of Wydad’s tifo away at city rivals Raja Casablanca.

The start of a beautiful friendship? Not a bit of it. Visiting fans suspended the 40ft dragon from strings and then walked it up and down slowly behind one of the goals. Absolutely petrifying.

The dragon was clutching the Arab Club Champions Cup, a competition for outfits from countries as disparate as Iraq and Somalia. Sadly for Wydad, after drawing 1-1, the second leg ended 4-4 and they went out on away goals. It’s almost as if Raja Casablanca weren’t scared by the massive dragon at all.

4 “IS THAT YOU, GARY?”

If you occasionally wonder what Ruud van Nistelrooy’s up to these days, good news: we have the answer for you. He’s turning up at League Two grounds and posing with the mascot.

Taking a day off from his coaching duties with PSV Under-19s, the former Manchester United goalsmith headed to Moor Lane to watch Salford’s crunch clash with high-flying Swindon. He had arranged to see old friend Gary Neville but, mysteriously, Ruud could only find Bobby the Lion, a furry Salford mascot of suspiciously similar height to the Dutch marksman’s former team-mate.

That wasn’t the only disappointment, either: Salford lost 3-2 and their visitor discovered that he’s the only former Red Devil without a stake in the club.

5 GUITAR HEROES

Seeing as Liverpool have been enjoying plenty of success with ‘heavy metal football’ in recent seasons, West Ham thought they’d have a go as well.

Unfortunately, they’ve misunderstood and taken the whole thing too literally. Instead of signing Mo Salah and Sadio Mané, they’ve brought in 63-year-old Hammers fan Steve Harris on loan from Iron Maiden and handed 34-year-old defender Pablo Zabaleta a cool guitar.

Unless the Argentine’s going to whack opponents over the head with his guitar and run to the hills – oh all right, amble towards goal – then we aren’t sure how it’s going to work, but West Ham have launched an Iron(s) Maiden-themed kit for the special occasion, too. Guys, we think Klopp meant it as a metaphor...

6 “HAS ANYONE SEEN THE BEACH?”

You’ve heard of tiki taka – well now we bring you Tiki Toa. Yes, that’s the nickname of the Tahiti beach football team, who were in action recently at the Beach Soccer World Cup and did a haka to announce their presence.

Tahiti had reached the final of the previous two World Cups. This time, however, they suffered a humiliating group-stage exit, courtesy of a 12-4 thumping by eventual finalists Italy in their opening game of the event.

Tahiti were probably thrown off track by the tournament venue, to be fair: the famous beach resort of Asuncion, Paraguay. Yes, landlocked Paraguay. Manaus must have been unavailable.

7 LONG LIVE THE TRUE KING OF TURIN

Cristiano Ronaldo may think he’s the king of Turin these days (Turin and all other places), but one pensioner was determined to put him in his place.

While CR7 was the main attraction on the pitch as Juventus faced Atletico Madrid in a Champions League game, watching from the stands was global megastar Rihanna. Yet neither she, nor Ron, could compete with one old chap in the stand who – apparently realising that his Jim Bowen lookalike days are fully behind him – donned a crown and declared himself the king of all Turin.

Passionate for decades about Juve and still attending at the age of 85, Gigi Buffon rejoined the club last summer.

8 OVER TO YOU, MILLWALL

When Estudiantes returned to their traditional home stadium after 13 years away, they weren’t happy with a simple league match or legends game – they made a digital lion prowl up and down the stadium roof. Well, why not?

Rather confusingly, Estudiantes are nicknamed both ‘the Rat Stabbers’ and ‘the Lion’ (how would a lion go about trying to stab a rat?). Their president is Juan Sebastian Veron, who must have signed off on the madcap CGI display.

But criticism of the idea is believed to have reached Veron’s former manager Alex Ferguson, who is rumoured to have defended the stunt. “It’s a f**king great lion and youse are all f**king idiots,” the 77-year-old Scot insisted, probably.

9 “DEAR ZLATAN. YOU’RE WELCOME.”

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s recent purchase of a 25 per cent stake in Swedish side Hammarby was a great success. Well, apart from Malmo fans vandalising his house and attacking a statue that had been unveiled only a month earlier.

He’d received a hero’s welcome at the statue’s big reveal, but supporters were less pleased when he bought shares in a rival club, painting ‘Judas’ on his door, leaving rotting fish outside, setting fire to the statue and hanging a toilet seat on it. “He’s a piece of s**t,” yelled one vandal, helpfully explaining the logic.

Still, it will all be fine when PSG finally get around to replacing the Eiffel Tower with that other statue Zlatan asked for.