Papier mache CR7 on the loose

... Tuscany, a giant papier mache Cristiano Ronaldo is armoured up and striking fear into the locals. Siuuuuuuuuu!

“BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!”

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Cristiano Ronaldo has long been a giant of the game: and he’s turned into an actual giant, too. Standing more than 20 metres tall – even higher than CR7 can leap for a header – the robotic Ronnie was created for the annual Viareggio carnival, which features caricatures of the world’s biggest stars, and is held in mid- winter for some reason. Who doesn’t like standing in cold, miserable weather for hours?

The Juventus star recently celebrated his 35th birthday and was no doubt thrilled to see his giant papier- mache likeness ploughing through the streets of Tuscany, accompanied by the word ‘ Idol’.

A giant Greta Thunberg also joined the parade, as well as a sunglasses- wearing lion – nice to see Zlatan getting involved. But none could match the grandeur of Ronaldo’s caricature, which even sported a suit of armour, presumably to ward off local Fiorentina fans.

The carnival is said to be preparing a giant Lionel Messi for next year – it’ll be at least six feet tall.

“WATCH OUT FOR THAT ALLIGATOR, POLLY!”

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There was only one thing Michy Batshuayi wanted to do during his winter break: head to Miami and spend time with his favourite parrot.

The Chelsea striker’s usual routine was thrown out of kilter this season. He’s normally been shipped out on loan by now, to Dortmund, Valencia or even Crystal Palace. This time he wasn’t busy adapting to the delights of Croydon, so took advantage of a gap in the fixture list to jet to the US and meet up with Polly the Parrot.

The pair spent some time at the beach before heading over to the Everglades, where Polly was sadly eaten by an alligator. We might have made some of that up.

CRUFTS: MEXICAN STYLE

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In Mexico, clubs are not content with simply having a mascot – they give the mascot a pet, too.

Liga MX club Atletico San Luis opted to liven up the matchday experience by giving mascot Huachi a dog on a lead, which he paraded around the pitch ahead of their game with Chivas.

What next? Give the dog its own hamster to look after? If that’s not top quality pre- match entertainment, we don’t know what is.

FFT looks forward to the trend reaching English football: watch out for Gunnersaurus taming a tiger, Fred the Red wrestling an armadillo, and Cyril the Swan mercilessly breaking the arm of a panda. That’d certainly make you take your seat early.

“MODEL THE CLOTHES, NOT YOUR TATTOOS...”

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If there’s one question we get more letters about than anything else, it’s ‘ What’s the Lord of the Manor of Frodsham up to these days?’

Former Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse came out of retirement with Swiss side Yverdon in 2017, then had an ill- fated spell with Italians AC Vicenza 1902 before becoming a model.

The 38- year- old recently took to the catwalk for Paris Fashion Week in a Jean- Paul Gaultier suit and blazer - although he didn’t wear them for long, stripping off and displaying his tattoos instead. It’s unclear if this prompted a referee to emerge and apologetically show him a yellow card. “Sorry Djibril, I’ve no choice, it’s FIFA rules...”

LION’S DEN

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Extensive Chinese New Year celebrations were held in all of the usual places this year: China, and at an Argentine league fixture between River Plate and Banfield.

The Primera Division duo went head to head at the Estadio Monumental – but not before a few lions and dragons had danced around the pitch, despite Chinese New Year being weeks earlier.

In Chinese culture, 2020 is the year of the rat, but sadly River Plate didn’t plump for any further rodent- themed entertainment. If FFT had anything to do with it, Roland Rat would almost certainly have been on that pitch, singing a duet with former West Ham full- back Razvan Rat. The world needs to see it.

“EVERY TIME A GOAL GOES IN, WE DRINK!”

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The people of Viareggio love a winter carnival – and it would appear the residents of Mainz do, too.

As is tradition, the German city’s festivities last for a whopping three months, beginning on November 11 and running all the way through to Ash Wednesday. The Bundesliga club get involved, too: they released a special multi- coloured kit for their recent home match against Schalke, when supporters turned up at the Opel Arena in all sorts of weird and wonderful costumes of their own.

Unfortunately, the match itself didn’t quite live up to the occasion: it finished 0- 0.

PAIR OF CLOWNS

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Don’t think the bizarre scenes stopped in Mainz, either: they were at it in Serie A, too. In fact, is there anyone outside the UK that hasn’t been having a carnival recently?!

This time the celebrations were in the away end at Udinese’s Stadio Friuli – fans of Hellas Verona decided to turn up in fancy dress, featuring Romans, a hot dog, a middle- aged Batman and Robin looking like they’d come straight from the set of Only Fools And Horses, plus two guys in clown masks.

The scoreline to top off the away supporters’ celebrations? Yes, you’ve guessed it: 0- 0. Viareggio have got the right idea – don’t bother with the football match, it’ll only spoil things.

GETTING THE HUMP

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Pierre- Emerick Aubameyang and Alexandre Lacazette have formed quite the bromance during their time together at Arsenal, so perhaps it was inevitable that one day they’d end up riding a camel together in the desert.

The strike duo did just that during the Gunners’ winter break: the club took their whole squad to Dubai for a warm weather training camp, before Aubameyang and Lacazette hopped on board a nearby even- toed ungulate and shouted, “To the sand dunes, my man, and snap on it!”

Their camel ride initially appeared promising, but faltered badly whenever they went on the road, leading to the inevitable removal of their guide.

“THIS IS FINE...”

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Chile has been hit by a wave of civil unrest in recent months, forcing CONMEBOL to switch November’s Copa Libertadores final from Santiago to the Peruvian capital of Lima.

Perhaps that was just as well, judging by the scenes at Universidad de Chile’s fixture against Brazilians Internacional at the start of the 2020 Libertadores.

With tension still on the rise between protestors and the authorities, trouble erupted at the Estadio Nacional: fans set fire to seats and a container, and riot police waded in.

The game ended 0- 0 – this definitely wasn’t a carnival – and Universidad lost the return leg 2- 0. CONMEBOL probably weren’t entirely disappointed.