Clive Allen on his love for Cher

The former QPR and Tottenham forward discusses his TV expertise and top tips for a great lawn

Hello Clive. We hear you’ve just been babysitting the grandkids, so what kind of grandad are you? Do you fill the infants full of sweets, then send them back to their parents ready for a sugar meltdown?

Hi. Yeah, I think my son would say I’m that kind of grandad. I enjoy the role. I’ve got a couple of grandkids. One is five years old and was born in Paris – he’s declared that he’s going to play for France when he grows up. He says they’re world champions and better than England. They quickly figure it all out, don’t they?

Oof, that’s brutal. He’s probably got a good chance, though – Paul Allen, Bradley Allen, Martin Allen, Dennis Allen, Les Allen and Charlie Allen... it must be the most footbally family in the world, no?

I think that’s a fair shout. If you’re an Allen, you’re born into a football way of life from a very early age. We all got an education, the likes of myself, Paul and Martin – we had a professional upbringing since we started walking.

Is there another family that could give those Allens a game?

The Clarkes of years gone by. That was a big footballing family. You had Allan, Frank, Derek and Kelvin. I played with Wayne, the youngest, a long time ago at Manchester City. They were all very good players, though.

Martin Allen once told us he thought his ‘ Mad Dog’ reputation was unfair and that he loves gardening, flowers in particular…

That’s absolutely right – Martin really is a wonderful gardener. When I was playing for Chelsea, he was at West Ham and living in Gerrards Cross, in

Buckinghamshire. His garden was the most immaculate thing I’ve ever seen. He’s so passionate about plants... very talented. At Leicester, he replanted the flower beds at the training ground with blue and white flowers.

Tell us something that proves you’re a big softie...

My eldest son grew up loving Thomas the Tank Engine, so I now know all the names and the stuff you need to know. Does that count?

For sure. How’s your garden?

I’ll be honest, I’m not a great gardener like Martin. My wife does all the design and I’m just the labourer. I don’t mind mowing the lawn and doing hedging – I like the tools. And I love to cut stripes into the grass, trying to make it look like Wembley. I’ve got a decent petrol mower. At one point I had a cylinder mower – the real Mccoy – which I got off the groundsman at Man City. My house in Cheshire had a lovely lawn – for a good one, you’ve got to air, feed and maintain it well.

Will you do our Mad Dog test?

Go on then!

Top man. So, have you ever urinated against a lamp post?

I haven’t ever – I’ll usually find a tree.

Have you ever played Angry Birds?

No. I’m not one for the apps. I’m not very technically inclined on the phone.

Have you ever watched Raging Bull?

Yeah, many years ago. These days I’ll watch renovation programmes rather than films. I enjoy moving house and then doing a lot of the renovation work myself. We’ve just moved, actually, so I’ll be demolishing some walls with my sledgehammer. I like the painting and decorating, although I don’t really get involved with lintels and that sort of thing. I loved seeing Dion Dublin pop up on Homes Under the Hammer – he was excellent.

Who from your former teams might make a good property TV presenter?

I think we’d all like to see Ossie Ardiles presenting something, wouldn’t we?

“MY SON GREW UP LOVING THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE,

SO I KNOW ALL THE NAMES AND EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW”

Absolutely. You used to play a bit of American football for the London Monarchs, but did you grow up with a random allegiance to an NFL team? Gareth Southgate was a fan of the LA Raiders…

I liked quite a few teams. I liked John Riggins, the Diesel Truck, who played for the Washington Redskins. I liked the LA Raiders too, because of Marcus Allen, obviously. Joe Montana at the San Francisco 49ers was brilliant, but the Redskins were my favourite team.

You share a birthday with Cher, so do you believe in life after love?

I didn’t know that – great stuff. I love Cher: a magnificent performer, great voice as well. But life after love? It’s an interesting one. I guess it’s going to be very difficult, if you love someone and then you’ve got to find something else after that. If there’s no love, there’s no life, really. That’s how I see it.

Good attitude – we think Cher would be proud. You’ve made headlines for saying that you once wanted to hit Arsene Wenger. If you were granted a free punch at one person on Earth, who would you go for?

Ooh, that’s a good one. Hmm. I think I’d have to go for anyone standing on top of a London Tube train in protest.

That Extinction Rebellion mob? We reckon quite a few commuters would endorse that view…

Yeah. I just don’t get why they’d want to disrupt people’s lives in the way they do – it’s not right. I know they want to get a message across, but people must be allowed to go about their business. It’s a bit odd, because if we’re going to go green then we need to use public transport, don’t we?

The voice of reason! Now, how many press- ups do you think you can do?

I think, these days, we’d be looking at three. In my pomp, I would hope that I could comfortably do 50.

Finally, have you ever fallen asleep on a train and woken up in Aberdeen or somewhere similar?

You know what? I’m a terrific sleeper, and when I nod off on public transport, I can programme myself to wake up at the right spot. I spent years as a QPR apprentice travelling from White City to Mile End, where I got off to get the Overground on my way home. I could sleep for ages and wake up exactly as we reached the platform. I knew every noise on the Central Line.

Quite a talent. Thanks for chatting!

Thanks!

Clive Allen’s autobiography, ‘ Up Front’, is published by decoubertin and out now