The Two Ronnies, FFT style
Seventeen years ago, CR7 and his Brazilian namesake declared their love for all things Ronnie Corbett. OK...
1
“No Cristiano, fork handles! Handles for forks…”
In November 2003, Ronaldo Nazario was the World Player of the Year, and Cristiano Ronaldo had just announced his presence as the next big thing by becoming English football’s priciest teenager. We didn’t have a choice, did we? A Two Ronnies cover was merely a matter of time. We met Manchester United’s new arrival and the Brazilian World Cup legend, but sadly couldn’t convince them to recreate the famous Four Candles sketch.
“Is this interview really for an English magazine?” asked an 18- year- old CR7. “I’m becoming important, aren’t I?” Yes, Cristiano – yes, you were.
“From a very early age, all I thought about was playing football,” he added. “I used to walk everywhere with a ball under my arm, just in case my friends turned up. At Sporting, I only thought about playing for them. Anything more would have been unattainable fantasy, like going out with Angelina Jolie. Now I’m at the biggest football club in the world. When I lie in bed, I ask myself if it’s really happening. I hope I can go on living up to expectations.”
He also lifted the lid on his temper.
“I had difficulties at school because of my accent,” he said of his switch from Madeira to Lisbon. “A teacher made fun of me once, like the other kids, so I threw a chair at her.” Christ...
Brazilian Ronaldo was years ahead of Cristiano. Real Madrid’s centre- forward had been irked by criticism, responding with a Champions League hat- trick at Old Trafford months earlier. “That was my revenge for the people saying we haven’t seen the real Ronaldo,” stated the 27- year- old marksman.
“So it’s goodnight from me,” he said. “And goodnight from him,” added CR7. OK, so that bit didn’t happen.
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Andrei Kanchelskis: secret chess grandmaster
We also chatted to former Manchester United winger Andrei Kanchelskis, and talked only about chess.
An enthusiast since childhood, the Russia international struggled to find anyone to take him on during his time in north- west England. “At United, no one was interested in playing chess – they thought it was too intellectual,” he moaned. “Anders Limpar at Everton used to give me a decent game – but he was Swedish.”
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Stabbing lessons, with Ranieri
For our One- on- One interview we met Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri. His language skills were getting better, but he hadn’t picked up much English slang. “Not really – only ‘ f** king hell’,” he said. “When I arrived, Dennis Wise was always trying to make me say bad things, but I didn’t fall for all his tricks.”
“My parents ran a butchers,” he also revealed. “So, when it comes to using a meat knife, I can do everything.
“My players will have to watch out, or I will come into the dressing room and kill them!” he yelled, making stabbing motions, as FFT slowly backed away.
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“Leave my balls alone”
Months after departing Serie A for Qatari club Al- Arabi, Gabriel Batistuta granted FFT a world- weary interview.
“If I wanted to play in Italy, I could have done,” said the 34- year- old. “I’m not saying I’m ready to play 50 games a year for Milan, Juventus or Inter, but... well that’s it, I’m not up to it any more. It’s not that I want to avoid criticism if I don’t score, but for journalists it was too easy to slaughter me. I don’t want to put up with it. You say, ‘ Knock it off, don’t break my balls any more’.”
Al- Arabi would be Batigol’s final club.