My Football: Alistair Mcgowan
The esteemed impressionist explains his teenage team switch – and how sticker books ruined his life
What was the first football match you ever saw live?
It was April 1972, West Brom vs Leeds at The Hawthorns – I was seven. It was just before football got really violent, so I don’t think there was any segregation in those days. I was right at the back of the stands, up on my dad’s shoulders. I remember him saying every so often, “I’ve got to put you down now.” I was thinking, ‘ What for? You’re really strong’. I knew all of the Leeds players and their nicknames as well. Peter Lorimer was ‘ Lash’ because of his powerful shot, and I remember shouting it once. Everyone looked around at my high- pitched voice. It was the last time I shouted anything at a match; I felt such a fool.
Who was your childhood hero, and did you ever meet them?
Lorimer was my hero; his No. 7 was the number I asked my mum to stitch onto my Leeds shirt. I met a lot of that team, but Billy Bremner stood out for me. We did an event together in Edinburgh back in 1996, a year before he died. Hearing him speak and meeting him was such a privilege. He told some brilliant stories, and afterwards he said, “Where are you staying, big man? I’ll share the taxi with you.” I couldn’t believe it.
Why did you swap allegiances from Leeds to Coventry?
I switched at 14, which is very bad form. I know it’s an unusual thing to do. As a young kid I was obsessed with Leeds, but I think it’s because of where I grew up [ in Worcestershire]. The nearest club was 35 miles away, so no one was really dyed- in- the- wool.
What was your finest moment as a player?
In 1980 I went to a Bobby Charlton football school at Nottingham University, and that was my first time away without my parents. It was a six- day thing, and on day five they got Roy Mcfarland and Bruce Rioch to coach us – they were playing for England and Scotland at the time. I was in goal and Rioch – who had one of the hardest shots in the game – said, “I hope you’re ready.” All the other kids were watching as he whacked this ball at the bottom corner. I turned it around the post and everyone clapped. “I didn’t expect you to save that son,” he said.
Which players from your clubs’ pasts would you bring back to star for your current sides?
Eddie Gray for Leeds. He had a way of dropping one shoulder and jinking past a player, and held his arm at a strange angle, like it was folded. He’d stick his tongue out, take little baby steps with the ball, then spring past someone and do something amazing. For Coventry, it would have to be Les Sealey – he later went to Manchester United. He was so authoritative, and I used to look up to him being a keeper myself.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen or heard at a game?
I went to see Meadowbank Thistle [ who later became Livingston] play in 1985, as I was there for the Edinburgh festival. There was this bloke behind me eating a meat pie, and suddenly Meadowbank did something. He shouted, but stopped halfway through the word ‘ Thistle’ and I heard something hit the floor. I looked down under my seat, and there was the guy’s false teeth. He tapped me on the shoulder to put my seat up, so he could get them back.
What’s the most important piece of memorabilia that you have or wish you still had?
The 1972 FA Cup Final programme from Arsenal vs Leeds. I wasn’t at the match, but a friend of my dad’s was involved in the referees’ association and brought it back. It’s very special to me. Weirdly, in 1996 I played in a pro- celebrity charity event and my team were runners- up: we had players like Dave Beasant and Steve Kember, plus Hugh Grant around the time of Four Weddings and a Funeral.
I was having a chat with him, but then suddenly couldn’t see him as he was completely surrounded by girls. But I’ve still got the trophy...
Tell us something about a player or manager that we might not know?
Patrick Bamford can play the piano very, very well – little bits of Bach and classical music. I’ve always wanted to meet him and hear him play, because the piano is my big thing and that’s what I’m doing now. That’s my beef with football: when I was a kid, I became so distracted by it. For the amount of time I read, dreamed, talked and played football, I wish I’d put it all into something else. A bit less time putting stickers into books and learning more about note values.
Which footballer would you choose as your room- mate?
David Harvey, Leeds’ former goalkeeper. I understand he was a very private guy who went off to run a croft in Scotland, and never heads back south for any of the Leeds United reunions. I admire that because I’m a bit of a loner, so I’d quite like to share a room with another loner. The other person I’d possibly room with is Graeme Le Saux. We’ve played tennis a few times in the past, and I think he’s an erudite man.
Where’s the best place you’ve ever seen a game?
I remember going to watch a game at Notts County in the ’ 80s, and it was so primitive. I loved the old Meadow Lane. I even met Dave Sexton, the Coventry manager, in the toilets afterwards. The ground was very basic, all cement, and those toilets were like a trough. I went to an Arsenal event at a fancy hotel in 1992, and overheard a couple of fans talking about a cup game against Notts County. One of them said, “It was such a s** thole – it was brilliant.” So it wasn’t just me, then!
Which football figure is your favourite to impersonate today?
I like doing Harry Kane because he has a voice that makes people laugh, and similarly, Roy Hodgson: the way he talks makes people smile as well. When I was filming my TV show, I used to love doing Gary Lineker most. Everyone would say there’s nothing there, but it’s just a very slight accent. If you get it right, people say, ‘ oh yeah’. I owe a debt of gratitude to David Beckham, as our programme [ The Big Impression, with Ronni Ancona] coincided with him and Victoria – they gave us so much material and success. I never really enjoyed doing David, to be honest, because there was always such a lot of makeup to put on: all the glues, false beards and everything else. It was pretty uncomfortable.
Alistair’s postponed ‘ Piano Show’ tour, which combines comedy and classical music, will resume at a safer date. For details, head to alistairmcgowan. co. uk