“Aliens analysed my soul, boss”

… Liverpool, fans have been stripping down to their swimming trunks and cheering on their heroes from home

“THE TV’S BEHIND YOU, MICK!”

Behind- closed- doors football has been far from ideal, but one fan has made the best of it – by striding around his living room in a pair of Speedos. Michael Cullen has become famous for turning up at Everton matches in his swimming trunks, starting the tradition after he’d swum the Channel for charity.

‘ Speedo Mick’ also raised £ 500,000 by donning the trunks to walk from John O’groats to Land’s End this season, braving sub- zero temperatures plus Storms Ciara and Dennis. “It was nearly blowing me knickers off, which wouldn’t have been a good sight,” he said.

Fans at Everton’s January FA Cup clash at Liverpool got more than they bargained for, too – he stopped off at Anfield mid- walk, giving the front row an eyeful when he attempted a pitchside cartwheel. Unable to repeat such japes after football went behind closed doors, instead he sported the Speedos and watched games from the comfort of his living room, which naturally boasts a framed pair of trunks by the TV.

Less chance of hypothermia – but Mick might well miss the goals as he’s... facing the wrong way? On second thoughts, maybe he was doing the Poznan.

GREAT SCOT

By the time UK hairdressers reopened in early July, everyone was suffering from lockdown hair – and some more than others.

Roberto Firmino’s perm and ’ tache combination drew comparisons to a young Ross Geller, while Aleksandar Mitrovic’s barnet was so overgrown that he quickly went and clobbered a Leeds player, handily keeping him off the TV for the next three games.

Ex- players were affected, too: Colin Hendry revealed his new look and likened it to the crazed hair of Doc, the mad scientist in the Back To The

Future trilogy. No news on whether he’s got the Delorean working yet – the Scot’s heading straight back to Euro 96 to tackle Paul Gascoigne.

VS MIDFIELDER 3

It’s not unknown for players to make bizarre excuses for missing training – Ross Mccormack’s faulty electric gates were hard to top, but Guillermo Marino may have done it.

“Guillermo said he was late because he was abducted by aliens,” Gustavo Lorenzetti, a former Universidad de Chile pal, revealed recently. “He said they take out your soul and analyse it.” Luckily, team- mates believed him.

“There are cases where a player says, ‘ I left and came back two days later because I was kidnapped by aliens’ – but Guille is not that kind of player,” said Lorenzetti, as if explaining away a horrendous tackle, rather than a ludicrous story about ET stealing his soul. Mccormack is taking notes...

“MY SUMMER HAS BEEN RUINED, HOORAY!”

Euro 2020 mascot Skillzy was due to have a summer to remember. Instead, he ended up jumping up and down in a random Dublin garden.

Unveiled in 2019, he soon embarked upon a tour of Europe – getting stuck into spaghetti in Rome along the way – but it all came to a sudden halt when Euro 2020 was delayed for a year.

So, rather than heading around the continent to watch some monumental matches, Skillzy had to mooch about in a back yard near the Aviva Stadium, one of the tournament venues.

Thankfully the mascot was designed with a permanent smile on his face, so at least he still appeared pleased as he pondered his crushed dreams.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO FOOTBALL

Lokomotive Leipzig had a plan in their bid to return to greatness: deploying three little pigs and a big bad Wolf.

The East German giants reached the European Cup Winners’ Cup final back in 1986- 87, but have since been overshadowed by RB Leipzig. It’s not all bad news, however: they won the regional league this season, earning a promotion play- off against Verl.

Patrick Wolf – son of ex- Wolfsburg boss Wolfgang Wolf – netted as the home leg finished 2- 2, so Lokomotive brought in the lucky pigs for the away game. The cuddly toys were placed on every seat in the visitors’ section, but Wolf failed to blow the house down – Verl drew 1- 1 and won on away goals.

TIFO GOES VIRAL

Zenit knew the best way of scaring visiting teams during the Russian Premier League run- in: with a bloke in a gas mask, holding up a 50- foot virus.

Fans unveiled the hazmat tifo for their home match against Krylia Sovetov Samara, even setting off green smoke bombs to add to the effect – although surely if the virus was really 50 feet high, this whole pandemic would be rather easier to solve. There’s no way one of those is floating up your nose, for a start.

Either way, the tifo had the desired effect: while Samara players kept their distance from the huge virus, Artem Dzyuba took advantage and scored twice as Zenit triumphed on their march to the title.

“COME ON NEMO, IT’S TIME TO GO HOME”

Some say that Joey Barton has spent the last few years walking around with a big chip on his shoulder, but that’s not true – it’s actually a cod.

The 37- year- old loves nothing more than taking off his shirt and parading an oversized fish. Well OK, maybe not – but Fleetwood Town fans paid tribute to their gaffer by depicting him topless with the cod before their League One play- off tie against Wycombe.

Known as the Cod Army, Fleetwood marked the occasion by filling their stadium with a bunch of mannequins masquerading as ultras. Sadly, the home side played like dummies, too – Barton’s side crashed to a 4- 1 defeat, leaving a downcast boss to skulk off home and take his giant cod with him.

SPACE ODDITY

Different countries have had different rules since football resumed: most have held games behind closed doors, while Serbia launched social distancing out of a window and held the Belgrade derby before a full house.

It’s been more nuanced in Denmark, where recent matches have welcomed limited crowds – as long as fans were a metre apart. They followed the rules at Horsens’ match with Randers, and 7,000 watched AGF face Copenhagen.

Things didn’t go as smoothly at the Danish Cup final: Aalborg fans grouped together and refused to separate, so the game was halted until they’d been removed. Aalborg’s players were much better at obeying orders, giving their opponents all the space they needed in a 2- 0 defeat.

UP FOR THE CUP

An open- top bus tour simply isn’t enough in Bulgaria: they prefer to dig out a parachute and dangle their trophies over the sea.

Lokomotiv Plovdiv picked up their second successive Bulgarian Cup when they defeated CSKA Sofia on penalties in early July. So, to thank them for their efforts, the whole squad was rewarded with a two- day holiday in the Black Sea resort of Sunny Beach.

Naturally, they took their silverware with them, firstly parading it while the entire team took a dip.

After that, boss Bruno Akrapovic and defender Josip Tomasevic grabbed the cup and went parasailing. Fortunately they managed to avoid dropping it into the middle of the sea – not even Pickles could have rescued that.