Erling Haaland: chainsaw king
… Sweden, fans have been shut out of matches – so they hired a crane and hoisted it over the stadium instead
1 It hasn’t exactly been a great few months for fans of Ostersund, but they remain undeterred. The Swedes won at Arsenal in the Europa League in 2018, having risen from the fourth tier under Graham Potter – with chairman Daniel Kindberg boldly stating they could win the Champions League one day.
“I CAN SEE FINLAND FROM HERE”
Things have gone a bit wrong since then. Potter left for Swansea, with Ostersund narrowly avoiding the drop last year under new English boss Ian Burchnall.
Then in November, Kindberg was jailed for three years for funnelling public money into the club. He soon appealed, but with the team again struggling, Burchnall departed in July – even if English players like Blair Turgott and Charlie Colkett stayed.
Optimism has waned, but Ostersund’s supporters remain committed. Football has gone behind closed doors because of coronavirus, so fans parked a crane next to the stadium for their home match against Elfsborg. Their efforts were rewarded with a 1- 0 loss, which dropped Ostersund to the bottom of the table.
Maybe it’s best to put that Champions League dream on hold for a couple more years...
2 HE’S A LUMBERJACK AND HE’S OK
What does Erling Haaland do during the summer? He goes on a rampage with a chainsaw, obviously.
The Borussia Dortmund striker spent the 2019- 20 season taking a metaphorical chainsaw to defences everywhere, and it gave him a taste for the real thing. Thankfully this wasn’t the start of a gory horror movie: the 20- year- old was helping out dad Alfie as they chopped up branches in west Norway, although frankly Erling seemed to be doing more posing than actual sawing.
“I do the work, he gets the glory,” Alfie tweeted – a rather risky joke to make when his son was holding a chainsaw at the time...
3 “FEAR NOT, GOKHAN, WE’LL FIX THE ROADS”
It’s official: owls have taken over the nation of Turkey.
Well OK, not real owls, that would be weird – albeit intriguing to see how a tawny regime would tackle Istanbul’s chaotic traffic network. Just spinning your head around repeatedly and making twit- twoo noises isn’t going to impress anyone when there’s gridlock and no one can get to work.
But the Owls have won the Turkish Super Lig – Istanbul Basaksehir topped the table for the first time, after falling short last year. Mascots posed with Gokhan Inler, again a champ despite doing virtually nothing – see previous bit- part roles at Leicester and Besiktas.
Get Gokhan in, win the title. Easy.
4 PUN LIKE A KIPPER
Erling Haaland hasn’t been the only one messing around in the west of Norway during some much deserved time off – Jan Aage Fjortoft has been at it, too.
After an arduous season working for the Norwegian TV station Viasport, Fjortoft was obviously pining for the fjords – so he headed straight there, armed with his trusty fishing rod.
The former Swindon, Middlesbrough, Sheffield United and Barnsley striker was in luck, reeling in a massive fish before taking to social media to tweet ‘ Cod save my country’.
Cue the entire internet rolling their eyes, at the most feeble pun anyone had seen since the headline of this article. Don’t blame us – he started it.
5 “POLDI WILL NEVER TURN US DOWN NOW”
Football grounds aren’t exactly known for their healthy eating – but even the cardboard cutouts have abandoned any pretence of a balanced diet.
Scottish Premiership side Hamilton have unveiled a sponsorship deal with international chain German Doner Kebab, featuring cutouts tucking into the haute cuisine as they watch on.
Some might suggest that a pure kebab diet is somewhat at odds with the sponsorship name of the ground itself, the Fountain of Youth Stadium ( yes, really). But presumably the plan is to lure renowned kebab enthusiast Lukas Podolski to Hamilton, before moving on to a sponsorship deal with deep fried Mars bars.
6 JOE HART: WORLD’S CALMEST MAN
Remember when Joe Hart used to shout like an absolute maniac before England matches? Good news: he’s still shouting like a maniac.
The goalkeeper established a fine reputation as the most pumped- up man on the planet, particularly after a sweary tunnel tirade before a Euro 2016 fixture against Wales. Four difficult years might have mellowed some people, but Hart is as pumped up as ever – this time turning his ire on a camera during a gym session.
The 33- year- old has been looking for a new club after his release by Burnley – if crazed shouting is what you’re searching for, you won’t find anyone better than Hart. Or if he’s not available, try Jordan Pickford.
7 “YEAH, I’M BIG MATES WITH RICHARD GERE”
Forget Timo Werner & Co – amateurs Caversham United have landed the biggest signing of the summer: a goat.
No, this wasn’t some sort of terrible Lionel Messi mix- up: the Reading and District Sunday League side are known as the Billy Goats, and rashly vowed to recruit the animal if they managed to reach 8,000 followers on Twitter.
When that happened, they actually had to go and do it. “At an initial fee of £ 25 for sponsorship, we’ve smashed our transfer record,” they said. “Skid the Goat has been a mascot for RAF Halton, and even featured in a BBC Two drama alongside Richard Gere.”
A highfalutin thespian career is all very well, but how will it do on a wet Sunday at Loxwood Park Rangers?
8 MONSTER BUNCH
Scotland’s North Caledonian League has taken note of Caversham’s am- dram goat, and gone one better - with the actual Loch Ness monster.
Loch Ness FC were formed in 1999, and the Inverness- based side have stepped up from the local leagues this season – unveiling not one but three kits to mark the campaign. Featuring Nessie herself, the home, away and third shirts each retail for £ 39.99.
Sadly, no sightings of the monster at home games so far – it’s rumoured to be elsewhere, in talks with Ali al- Faraj over a deal to sign Masal Bugduv.
It’s due to make an appearance in the near future, just as soon as the league figure out how the hell they apply social distancing rules to a giant mythical beast.
9 “MIGUEL, THIS IS THE 9 SIXTH TIME TODAY...”
Are you a professional footballer? Do you find injuries boring and annoying? If so, liven up the stretcher experience by signing for Club Tijuana.
The Mexicans are huge fans of Star
Wars – they unveiled a Stormtrooper kit last year, and were accompanied onto the pitch by the soldiers before a tie with Monterrey. They lost 4- 0, but you can’t win ’ em all.
Now they’ve accessorised the golf buggy they use to stretcher off injured players, turning it into the Millennium Falcon. Players are queueing up to be booted in the leg, just so they can ride the Falcon and pretend to be Han Solo.
If only it had been around in Darren Anderton’s day – imagine the fun he would have had.