Albert Ferrer on Scotch eggs
The European Cup winner and former Barcelona and Chelsea defender discusses furry friends
Hi Albert, how’s it going?
[ Wild sounds of church bells ringing and loud birdsong] Hi, I’m very good. I’m in Girona – it’s a beautiful day.
Nice. We often do an English cuisine test with Spanish players. Luis Garcia has never heard of the Scotch egg, for example. Are you an enthusiast?
No, I don’t know of them. At Chelsea, I didn’t mind the fish and chips. Roast beef is not bad. I’m not much of a red meat man, although I was quite up for battered fish. I went to a few chippies.
Full English?
I like them. The bacon, the eggs. Very good. I’ll still choose that when I stay in a hotel.
Black pudding?
That’s not for me.
The Cornish pasty?
No. I’m quite traditional in my cooking, to be honest. If you came to my house, I’d cook you arroz a la cubana, which is a really nice, simple Cuban dish. White rice, a fried egg on the top, and a baked banana on the side.
Sounds delightful. When you moved to Chelsea, did you watch Eastenders at Dennis Wise’s house to enhance your London vernacular?
I spent plenty of time with Wisey, and he was very hard to understand. I had to learn quick. Once I got used to him speaking, I was OK with it. Cockney is complicated. I know swear words from listening to John Terry and Jody Morris, while for other guys like the Norwegian forward [ Tore Andre] Flo, I understood their English perfectly.
There’s a pointless sport by the name of Footgolf. Have you played it?
Yes – I actually enjoy it. There’s a lovely course close to where I live. It’s in the woods, in the middle of the mountains – a beautiful spot. It’s wild, with some difficult obstacles. I’ve played 18 holes a few times with my son – he likes it. It’s very hard if you go off the fairway.
Which footballer do you think would make the best footgolfer?
[ Much consideration] For the big drives, where you need a long, straight shot, the best guy would be Ronald Koeman. Can you imagine? Around the greens, the subtle, skilful stuff, everyone knows it would be Lionel Messi.
Do you reckon there’s anything Messi is truly awful at? Maybe he can’t ride a bike or is horrendous at badminton.
I doubt it. If there’s anything he can’t do, then I don’t know about it. Maybe he can’t play at centre- back?
Life isn’t fair, Albert. Your name is an anagram of ‘ Barrel Ferret’, so are you a fan of the wily polecat?
In Spanish, the ferret is called a huron.
I can’t say it’s my favourite animal, but it’s OK. My favourite is the koala. I love its posture, its calm and its awareness.
You had some ferret- like qualities as a full- back. Small, quick, and right in your grid.
Maybe I was, yes. I was quick. But you often want something you’re not, right? I’d have loved to be one of those slow, calm players. Not a ferret!
In certain parts of northern England, men put ferrets down their trousers as an endurance test.
I’ve never heard of this game, so don’t really know what to say.
Which of your former team- mates would you trust to disarm a bomb?
You need a cold- blooded guy. I’ll put in Michael Laudrup or Marcel Desailly. They are calm and the ones to trust.
Finally, if you had to take a penalty to save humanity, would you go for power or placement?
Placement. Pick a corner and stay with it. But I’m not that confident I would save the world, because I wasn’t a big penalty taker. I’m not doing a Panenka in this situation. I’ll try my best.
That’s all we can hope for at the end of the day. Gracias for talking, Albert!
Ferrer is a Laligatv pundit. UK fans can tune into Laligatv on Sky channel 435
“COCKNEY IS COMPLICATED. AT CHELSEA, I UNDERSTOOD TORE ANDRE FLO BETTER”