FIVE-POINT PLAN

1 VISIT FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

When Palace kicked off against Bournemouth after lockdown in June, the youngest player in our starting XI was 27- year- old Wilfried Zaha. We have the oldest squad in the Premier League by miles ( they are all way too old to know the metric system) and it’s starting to get embarrassing. No other training ground has a stairlift. Hodgson complained that three out of our four centre- backs were injured at the end of the season. Is it a coincidence that three of our four centre- backs are over 30?

2 LET WILF GO

Watching Adama Traore recently has reminded us of Zaha at his best: strong, fast, direct, skilful and happy to play football. This time last year, Wilf was probably worth £ 80m and Palace probably should have cashed in while they could. Now, he’s probably worth £ 40m and we should still cash in. He loves the club and we love him, but the pressure of being our talisman has clearly become a burden. Either bring better players to us, or let him go to a club where he can really shine.

3 REPLACE THE EAGLE

Kayla the eagle, God rest her little birdie soul, is no more. Now we need to dip into the transfer market fast for a new winged beast to fly down the pitch before kick- off carrying away the occasional mouse. Or Max Meyer.

4 SWITCH UP THE SYSTEM

Actually, a new eagle could be one way to resolve Meyer’s situation. The former Schalke midfielder was known as the ‘ German Messi’, albeit by himself, so he’s clearly talented. Either change the system to suit him, pump protein shakes down his neck to bulk him up, or move him on. Then explain why we brought in a beautifully talented player and woefully underused him.

5 INJECT SOME FLAIR

… because it turns out you really can have too many defensive midfielders. Luka Milivojevic, Cheikhou Kouyate, James Mcarthur, James Mccarthy, Jairo Riedewald: where will it end?