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RANA HUSSAIN AND MICHAEL STAPLETON TOOK MARRIAGE TRADITIONS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS.

RANA:

My parents, who were in an arranged marriage, came to Australia in the early ’70s from India. I was born in Melbourne. My family is Muslim, and having an arranged marriage is just the way it’s done – there wasn’t even a thought that it would be any other way.

You get to an age where you’re ready to get married – for me, that was around 18 – and your parents ask whether you’re happy for them to put the word out. They then tell their friends and relatives that they have an eligible daughter or son, and the community puts forward their eligible kids. Being very traditional, my parents were insistent that we look for a person of Indian background. Our other non-negotiables were that they had to live in Australia, had to be OK with women having careers, and that they practised our faith. You need to have those common values – the rest you can work on.

We didn’t find someone in Australia that fit, so we looked in India and found my first husband. We were together for two years, but it didn’t take long for it not to work. It was a cultural thing and he was homesick. It was hard for all of us, but at the end of the day my parents want me to be happy, and they could see I wasn’t.

I first met Michael when the arranged marriage process with my first husband was bubbling along. We got on well and there were obvious feelings, but eventually I had to say, “Look, I can’t be with you.” That was very hard. In the time that I was married, Michael converted to Islam, and after I broke up with my ex, we were in touch and clearly still wanted to be together. He approached my family and my parents met his mum and got to know his family. When they were satisfied he was a suitable husband, they began to organise the wedding. A month or two later, we got married.

I know my parents’ ideal was for the person I ended up with to be Indian, so it was a learning curve for them. Even 10 years in, there are still moments when I can see a cultural clash, but they love him, and they see how much he loves them, and how happy we are.

I feel like I’ve had both versions of an arranged marriage. The way Michael and I did it is how a lot of young people are doing it today. They might come across someone they like, then go to their parents and say, “Here's this person, check them out and tell me what you think.” They go through the same formal process, but the person actually getting married takes the front seat. I think that’s what I hope for for my daughter down the track.

MICHAEL:

I’m from a small country town in Victoria with 2000 people. There was a Chinese restaurant, and that was as diverse as the town got. I went to Sunday school in the local Catholic church, but got over that pretty quickly. After school, I moved to Melbourne and did the usual thing: went to uni, lived in sharehouses, travelled.

There were two or three people I was drawn to at uni, and Rana was one of them. I didn’t know she was Muslim – I just thought, being very naive, that everyone was pretty similar to me. We clicked – we had similar interests and listened to similar music. After a little while, she gave me a Quran and I started reading it, and just a few pages in I was like, “OK, I'd better be Muslim then.” It all made sense to me and fit with who I am and my worldview. I thought I’d give it a few years till I converted.

Rana went away and got married, and I didn’t see her for ages; it was all a bit difficult, because it felt like it had been going somewhere. Between then and when I ran into her a couple of years later, I converted to Islam. My giving up drinking was the hardest thing for my friends, but my family was supportive – even now, they’ll go and get a halal leg of lamb for Christmas lunch.

I’d been thinking about marriage. I was hanging out with some Muslim guys who were married with a few kids, and if you’re a single man of about 25, you should be ready to get married soon. I thought, “How am I going to do this?” I understood you shouldn’t go out dating, and that one day I’d have to call up someone’s mum and dad and ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. That didn’t really challenge my idea of relationships – going through the process of chatting to parents and family with your potential partner, then getting married and staying with them for the rest of your life. It didn’t really seem that strange, the idea of commitment.

My parents were fine with the process, too. I organised a lunch where the two families could meet, and that was kind of it. They knew Rana had meant something to me before. I was lucky she came back, because I had no idea how to go through the traditional marriage process! But if you've got the community and the connections, it’s really pretty easy, and you can start the rest of your life with someone a lot sooner.

We watch Married at First Sight with Rana’s mum, and hearing her chuckle away is pretty funny. Just that whole idea of putting on a big show that they’re getting married when they’re not really – it’s like, just come to a Muslim wedding!