Tongs and troublemakers
HOSTING a Grand Final shindig for the first time today? Not sure what to expect from your guests and their behaviour? Fear not, because the Payneful Truth has done the form, club by club, highlighting troublemakers and what to watch out for, leaving you more time to sit back, relax, or ... miss the whole game because you’re too busy cooking for people. Have a top day.
ADELAIDE
THE overdressed hat-wearing Crows fan will arrive early with their own wine (Barossa, Clare Valley of course) and will have interpreted your “BYO finger food’’ to mean a plate of Coffin Bay oysters (not to share). May also set-up own portable barbecue and card table in your driveway to cook and consume Hahndorf snags. Harmless but will drink your beer. Especially if Coopers. TROUBLE FACTOR 1/10
BRISBANE LIONS
YOU may not even be aware they are at your house until they ask for a “priority pick’’ at the pavlova at halftime before anyone else gets a look-in. TROUBLE FACTOR: 4/10
CARLTON
WILL be wearing a Deer Park FC jumper and still ranting and raving about how good Brendan Fevola was in the 114-point win against Hoppers Crossing three weeks ago. Well what else would they have to talk about? TROUBLE FACTOR: 6/10
COLLINGWOOD
MAGPIE fans will fail to comprehend how a football club with no money, low-key president, crap facilities and a coach who has a terrific relationship with players could make a Grand Final from seventh. Will barrack for Liam Picken all day long and bring plenty of VB or Melbourne cans in an (unregistered) VB Commodore, which they will leave on your nature strip at the end of the day. Or night. Or next morning. TROUBLE FACTOR: 7/10
ESSENDON
IF you have guests who don’t have a clue about football, or others who don’t know how to talk about it, or have no interest in it, seat them next to the Dons fans, because in all likelihood they may also have no recent interest in football, leaving them instead to talk about legal loopholes and Tania Hird’s trench-coats. TROUBLE FACTOR: 5/10 FREMANTLE SEE West Coast.
GEELONG
THE Cats fan will blame Gill McLachlan, the cost of living allowance, GWS, draft concessions, salary cap concessions, 14-day breaks, two games in 28 days, umpires, V/Line, VicRoads, the West Gate Bridge and the decline in manufacturing for Geelong’s preliminary final loss to Sydney, while wearing a new Patty Dangerfield Brownlow T-shirt. TROUBLE FACTOR: 3/10
GOLD COAST
SERIOUSLY, who knows a Gold Coast supporter. TROUBLE FACTOR: N/A
GWS
IF you find a GWS fan at your place on Grand Final day, ring a newspaper, television station or any media outlet, because it would be a really big story, particularly in Victoria, and would most likely run under the headline of: “HEY LOOK, WE FOUND ONE’’. TROUBLE FACTOR: No trouble at all.
HAWTHORN
LISTLESS and disinterested, the Hawks fan will whinge all bloody day about how they “should be at the ‘G’’, and how “there’s so much more atmosphere at the Grand Final than there is on TV’’. They’ll be wearing a “Three-peat’’ wanker hat I talked about last week, which will make great barbecue fuel later. Make sure you take the hat off their head first to avoid throwing both on the fire and a visit from the homicide squad. TROUBLE FACTOR: 8/10
MELBOURNE
EXPERT on all matters, including sheep prices, ski-lift technology and advancements in anti-collision systems in large SUVs. Great to have around because they always bring eye-fillet and lamb cutlets to share and good whisky for later on when the Adelaide supporters have necked all your beer. Just wait until the Port fans have been taken away by the police before you open it. TROUBLE FACTOR: 0/10
NORTH MELBOURNE
ROO fans will be just making up the numbers at most Grand Final day shindigs so don’t expect them to contribute to any conversation regarding any topic unless it happened before Round 9. May stage for an extra sausage, hamburger or beer in the spirit of Lindsay Thomas. TROUBLE FACTOR: 2/10
PORT ADELAIDE
EXPECT the Port fans to arrive late, mumbling: “I slept through the crack of noon and then missed the flight when the alarm didn’t go off at 4.30pm on Wednesday because of the storm and the power failure so I had to hitchhike.’’ Will have box of bourbon and cola cans on one shoulder, leaving the other free to steal your television on the way out. TROUBLE FACTOR: 9/10
RICHMOND
GIVEN Richmond beat Sydney earlier this year, and that the Bulldogs’ appearance in the Big Dance now means the Tigers are the team not to have played in a Grand Final for the longest amount of time, clear a corner so all the Tiges can rock back and forth together in straitjackets. If cooking prawns, make sure they (the prawns, not the humans) are dead first as unsupervised Tiger fans may ‘’EAT EM ALIVE’’, and be sick on your carpet later. TROUBLE FACTOR: 7.5/10
SYDNEY
ARRIVES by taxi with CabCharge (supplied by work as part of their cost of living allowance), carrying a box of Corona on one shoulder and bag of limes on the other. Habits include wandering in your backyard, looking at your vegetable patch and saying things like “where is the kale’’ and “where is the soy milk?” TROUBLE FACTOR: 5/10
ST KILDA
SCARRED with sore livers from drinking games in the 1997 GF when Darren Jarman kicked five against them in the last quarter, Saints will wax-lyrical for six hours about how different things may have been had the ball bounced the other way in the 2010 GF. If your shindig kicks on with a few tunes at night, don’t expect them to know the second verse to anything, as their theme song doesn’t have one. TROUBLE FACTOR: 2/10
WEST COAST
WILL bag your weather, complain about unfair GST revenue split between the states and worst of all will boo the standard of your barbecue, your food, your friends, your wife, your husband, your home decorating, your deck, your landscaping, Sting and The Living End and every decision in the match, confirming they know nothing about football and should be kicked out of the AFL. Booooooo. TROUBLE FACTOR: 8/10
WESTERN BULLDOGS
IF one is at your house, it means they have missed out on a Grand Final ticket in their first opportunity for 55 years. Don’t ask them to bring anything and let them have the best seat in front of the TV. And make sure you have a 20c piece ready for when they rattle the tin for the bus fare home. Give them a doggie-bag with some leftovers too. TROUBLE FACTOR: 3/10 pending the bus fare.