Collingwood calamity
AS Collingwood’s 2017 season approaches potential disintegration this Sunday afternoon against Geelong, many of its fans have predictably been calling for the removal of just about everyone at the club. Less predictable but more interesting is what you won’t publicly hear from Collingwood fans right now. Thanks to some rare inside knowledge, the Payneful Truth can this week reveal exclusively what these fans are really thinking and doing, even though they (I) might not admit it publicly (I have). Such as: PHONING a friend who barracks for Richmond and asking for directions for how long one should place one’s membership card in the microwave for optimum destruction. REQUESTING odds from an online bookmaker or similar as to what price is available on Nathan Buckley being “managed out’’ after the Pies’ big 125th anniversary celebrations if the unthinkable happens and Carlton beats them in the corresponding game in Round 7. PENNING a letter to Chris Mayne, congratulating him on his $500k annual base wage for playing in the VFL. Or asking a non-Collingwood friend to do so if they are unable to read and write, as someone suggested to me earlier this week. ORDERING a new smartphone because they smashed their old one after listening to one or two or many more voicemail messages of support from close friends, for example: “Hey Payney, you better get yourself down to the Rolling Pin Bakery, because that’s the only place you’ll find any hot pies this week hahahahahahaha.’’ (Thanks for that one Goughy, I did not quite smash my phone). EXPRESSING a higher level of interest in attending and being involved or watching junior sport, local sport, minority sport, sport stores, politics, the price of natural gas, lawnmowing, doing housework or rocking back and forth in the corner, than AFL. TALKING about the good old days and how Mick Malthouse really was just a misunderstood old-guy even if he did have a silly moustache and how you never really supported the succession plan (you did, I did) and how good it was when Nathan still played in the middle (it was) and had no coaching ambitions and Tania wore diamond-studded G-strings to the Brownlow and people were only whingeing about beer prices at AFL venues approaching the $5 threshold, which seemed OUTRAGEOUS then but a very good value proposition now. COUNTING down the days until 2030 or wondering if Paul Roos would walk away from a lucrative media career for a new job or whether Sydney assistant Stuart Dew might be keen to move to Melbourne to work with Paul because Stuart’s wife Sarah coincidentally has a lucrative career in the media too so she could move with him, take Paul’s role at Fox Footy or maybe Nathan could take that role back at Fox and still be close to Eddie without all the pressure of coaching.