Greene eggs and ham
THERE’S nothing unusual about shaking hands with your opponent at the end of a sporting event unless, that is, you happen to be on the end of Geelong veteran Harry Taylor’s hand and end up with a slice of ham in your palm as Josh Jenkins did last week.
Given such unusual behaviour the Payneful Truth has this week pondered potential items found and consequences that may result from shaking hands with the following people connected with our great game.
ALEX RANCE: May offer his hand, then withdraw, throwing both arms up in the air, falling to the ground expecting you to give him a free kick even if you are just walking down the street and don’t look anything at all like an AFL umpire.
TOBY GREENE: Best approached if you are wearing a helmet. Toby prefers a clenchedfist rather than open hand, so be careful, especially if you do look remotely like a football player and have a punchable 3-KZ (head).
STEPHEN DANK: This answer has been censored due to legal advice from Payneful Truth Partners so you can make up your own instead.
No.35 FOR GEELONG: The Payneful Truth believes that hewho-shall-remain-nameless-inthis-column given his everywhere status is actually suffering not from a leg or foot or ankle injury but from and extreme case of “ubiquitousness-massiveness’’ or in layperson’s terms, acute overexposure. Probably costs $5 just to shake his hand so give him a wide berth too.
KANE CORNES: On recent form, Kane would possibly offer to shake your hand, then instead perform a facepalm before giving you the bird to incite a reaction from you, which would then give him excuse to write or say something controversial about you in light of anything insightful or intelligent instead.
BRAD SCOTT: Probably give you a bake for not shaking his hand in the correct manner he instructed you on a previous occasion before asking if you know of any good rental properties on the Gold Coast and giving you a second bake for pointing out again that “you’re not as good a coach as your brother,’’ or something like that.
STEVE MOTLOP: Not shaking hands as well as the club had hoped he would be at this stage of the year so might be shaking hands with someone at a completely different club next year which means Tom Hawkins will have to find someone else to high-five all the time in the forward line in 2018.
WEST COAST FAN: Shake a random hand of an Eagles fan right now and you’ll probably end up with their membership ticket in the palm of your hand. Chuck it out.