Wedding’s near, danger’s in the air

WEDDINGS — there’s a lot to consider when it comes to the big day. There’s the outfit, the hair, the makeup, the photography, the food, the gifts, the entertainment, the decor … wait, did I mention I’m just a guest?

In a month, I will be attending my first wedding, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve earnt it.

In my 22 years on this earth I have attended countless funerals, multiple christenings and baptisms, a 100th birthday party and a naming ceremony.

Yet the closest I’ve come to a wedding was attending a fundraiser where two pugs tied the knot (but that’s a whole other story). While I appreciated the wonder of witnessing two pooches getting hitched, it wasn’t quite the same as getting to share in the excitement of two humans who are actually aware they are getting married.

My one chance to attend a wedding at age two was thwarted when my parents decided the risk of me throwing a tantrum mid-ceremony was too high, and chose to leave me at home, taking my infant brother instead. Now, after years of deprivation, the cards have finally fallen in my favour and my cousin will be wedding his childhood sweetheart in Queensland. I’m afraid, however, that my years of dreaming of attending a wedding have led to me obsessing over details to the point where it’s as if I am the one who will be walking down the aisle. The closer to September 9 it gets, the more I find to worry about. My neuroses have continually spiralled. Should I pick the vegetarian meal despite being an omnivore in case the meat hasn’t been handled correctly? Should I google the catering company to decipher their quality before I make that decision? Should I ask what colour dresses the bridesmaids will be wearing so I don’t wear the same colour but also don’t clash? Should I research which colours clash before I go shopping?

Once I genuinely began losing sleep over it, I realised enough was enough and that I would need to place a ban on wedding talk and thoughts for my sanity’s sake. The day is not going to be as enjoyable if I’m spending every day leading up to it in stress.

Plus, I had another realisation when I noticed how frequently my family were eyerolling when I brought up the W word: my parents have left me at home before, they can do it again. So, I’ve resolved to shut up and chill out, lest I want to be the two-year-old banned from the wedding again.