Let’s not mince words
THE AFL is pulling out all stops this week to ensure a bumper home-and-away finale in Round 23 with incentives to lure fans to all games early.
I speak of course about the power-pricing on meat pies, which, if you didn’t know already, will be available at AFL venues for just $2 . . . up until the first bounce, that is, when normal price-gouging will resume.
This a great way to get more people through the gates before games but also a stroke of genius if you happen to work for a catering company, and possibly ordered a few thousand too many “dogs eyes’’ before realising the use by date would fall in the week after next, which would be fine in 2015 but not now, because there won’t be any football anywhere the following weekend meaning they’d have to be thrown out. But that’s just a guess.
For some of us, perhaps the only thing greater than the promise of a $2 pie this weekend will be the relief that season 2017 will very soon be over, prompting a flurry of “please buy another membership’’ emails.
The Payneful Truth has been given exclusive* (see disclaimer below) access to some of the discussions taking place about which emails to send to fans that are currently being bandied around marketing departments at few of the clubs who will soon be officially cooked pending results this weekend, including: COLLINGWOOD: “How exactly would we sell Ross Lyon as coach to our members?’’ FREMANTLE: “How exactly do we sell Ross Lyon as coach to our members. Again?’’ NORTH MELBOURNE: “Well it’s been a s--- year but at least we don’t have to sell Ross Lyon as coach to our members.’’ GOLD COAST: “I think we could sell Brad Scott to our members, but Ross Lyon?’’ FREMANTLE: “What about if we focus on the new stadium not having inflatable anchors on the roof instead of Ross Lyon?’’ BRISBANE LIONS: “We may be 18th, but at least we’re not coached by Ross Lyon.’’ ST KILDA: “Many KPIs and benchmarks were met by the club this year, including finishing much higher than Collingwood.’’ HAWTHORN: “2008. 2013. 2014. 2015. Don’t forget.’’ FREMANTLE: “ctrl+alt+delete.’’ CARLTON: “How about something exciting, new, catchy, and different, such as: ‘They know we’re coming.’ ’’ WESTERN BULLDOGS: “Flags: Bevo: 1. Ross from Freo: 0.” WEST COAST: “If you have concerns about Adam Simpson as our senior coach, have a bloody look at Fremantle and sign up.’’
* This is not real and you are not meant to believe this column is real and nothing in it has been real since it started in circa 2002 except all the bits about rampant price-gouging when it comes to food and beverages at the footy, which are.