Early start to life of small-time crime

I’M a criminal.

Not a convicted one, though.

But at the back of my mind I know that I am. And I can’t take that back now.

On a family holiday to Singapore I got sticky fingers and I pocketed something I probably shouldn’t have.

After going on a night safari at Singapore Zoo, I entered the gift shop and loved this cool pencil.

It wasn’t fancy, or expensive, but it had this tiger sitting at the top.

I picked it up and had a look at it. I really wanted it, but wasn’t going to ask Mum and Dad for some money.

Why I didn’t, I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve ever been wanting as a child.

As I twirled the pencil in my fingers the tiger fell off the top and onto the ground.

I looked around me and no one was watching.

I quickly picked up the tiger and shoved it in my pocket.

Happy with my work I slithered out of the shop and stood with Dad.

Back at the hotel, I showed Mum and Dad my handy work. “Do you know what they do to thieves here?” Mum asked. “Err, no,” I replied. “They whip them and then they throw them in a bath of salt water.” I was horrified. I’m a criminal and if they find me then I’m definitely going to be in for a whipping. Surely they wouldn’t do that to an Aussie kid younger than 10? And then I remembered being told you also get a whipping for chewing gum. I walked on eggshells for days. The sound of every siren sent shivers down my spine. I was convinced the shop owner would spot the missing tiger, look at the security footage and see this pudgy Aussie kid shoving it in his pocket and running away.

The good news — in case you were worried — was that I got away with the crime.

I exited Singapore and have returned twice since and I’ve never had police waiting for me in customs.

You’ll also be happy to know that I’ve only relapsed a couple of times.

I’m from the generation of Kazaa and Napster. So a bit of free music is always good.

I’ve also been known to get two cups instead of one when 7-Eleven do those rip-and-win Slurpee giveaways.

But nothing has been as brazen, as ballsy as the time I stole that little tiger from a gift shop in Singapore.