Cashing in on a crisis
IN an effort to cash in on the cricket crisis, the AFL has devised a cunning plan for a new 52-week competition to ensure complete domination across the sporting landscape at every turn.
Chuffed with the success of AFLW, AFLX and generally adding extra capital letters to anything just to keep its trademark division busy at Docklands, the Payneful Truth can today reveal some secret codes already lodged and what it means for fans with the onset of yearround footy.
AFLC: This four-week round robin competition each October will feature Collingwood playing only against itself at the MCG, with one team wearing the black and white vertical striped home strip and the other wearing the away version to avoid confusion. An AFL insider said this would maximise gate receipts and guarantee Collingwood a competition victory every year, given it is not expected to make the finals until 2030. They also said it was borne out of many Magpie fans being disappointed at Mason Cox’s one-week suspension after his high hit in Round 1, as many had hoped he would be rubbed out for the whole season.
AFLY: Also known as AFL WHY?, Gold Coast, Fremantle and GWS Giants will face-off following the conclusion of AFLC and run through to the commencement of AFLX. For four fabulous months spanning November-February the three most irrelevant teams in the competition (excluding North Melbourne) will play one blockbuster every week at venues including Kingaroy, Broome and Menindee to help “grow the game’’ in regional areas and expose new fans to queuing for $10 beers and overpriced hot chips flown in directly from the MCG, which would also give catering staff in Victoria something to do throughout summer because no one will be at the cricket anyway looking for a feed and a drink.
When asked what role the remaining 14 teams would be expected to have between the end of the AFL, and throughout the running of the AFLC and AFLY competitions before the commencement of the AFLX, AFLW and AFLJLT, a spokesperson for the AFLPA said it would be business as usual for most as they would be having their “best pre-seasons ever’’ and allow the league more time to have a thinktank about saving the game in a place they had been told about but they had not yet discovered called “northern Tasmania’’. And when they weren’t busy doing that they’d be organising a steering committee to bring in more rules that defy players’ instincts, like being penalised for being first to the ball while accidentally brushing an opposing player’s leg. Happy Easter.