Drop the curtain on royal showbiz
IN case you missed it, the royal wedding of Harry and Meghan — brilliant, fantastic spectacle that it was — wasn’t all about romance.
It was unashamed, unadulterated show business aimed at saving a monarchy that’s seriously on the skids. Pure and simple, and, yes, you may now kiss the bride.
Don’t get me wrong, I think Harry and Meghan are a magic couple.
But it wouldn’t surprise me one little bit if their fairytale wedding was an arranged marriage. They might not even realise it.
In the old days, royal marriages were cold, calculated alliances to bolster and expand political power and wealth.
Was Harry and Meghan like the old days? Not exactly. But I can almost hear the royal spin doctors ringing Meghan’s agent to see if she’s available.
She could very well have been hand-picked. In fact, I’d be very surprised, indeed, if the royal minders weren’t playing Cupid.
In my opinion, the royals are a bit like my old mate Bernie Ecclestone’s Formula One racing.
When you want to hike up the TV ratings, spread your wings around the globe, you bring in an Aussie driver, bring in a Brazilian … and you boost your wealth. And believe me, the royals want their wealth.
It’s a smart move by the royals to be engaging other countries. Like Denmark’s done with a royal Aussie princess. And God knows the British royals needed a popularity leg-up.
After the fiasco of Diana and her death, the royals were on the nose. They were out of touch with their people, appallingly caught up in the past, even hated. They desperately needed an image makeover.
That was 20 years ago. Today, with a Queen and Duke of Edinburgh now in their 90s — and deadset ancient — they look even more hopelessly irrelevant, if that’s possible.
They’re politically irrelevant, that’s for sure.
And bugger me if Charles, the next king, doesn’t turn 70 this year. What? That’s past retirement age unless you’re a Chinese Communist Party leader or an African dictator.
The monarchy has actively let itself become a geriatric nursing home — decades past its use-by date. It might supposedly be a vital tourism asset but even that’s got to be under threat from the senile old folks home it’s become.
But not only have the royals been losing ground, Brexit has reduced England’s once-mighty status to that of an economically isolated little island off Europe.
Unbelievable. Talk about a death-wish. And if Scotland’s Jocks had their way, they’d be out of Great Britain in a flash.
It’s fair to say the old Union Jack’s been in a fair bit of strife. And it’s all their own dumb fault.
Which is why Harry and Meghan’s wedding was so brilliant. Someone’s pulled a rabbit out of the hat for the royals and for the nation.
It was a stunning affair, the bride and groom seemed so human, everyone loved it. Even mad Reverend Curry didn’t do any harm.
It was a living movie. If it was at the box office, you’d have a royals-obsessed world smashing down the doors to see it.
In one move, the royals turned themselves around completely.
You had a belting 1.9 billion people around the planet watch the wedding. That’s a powerful statement that the royals are back from the dead.
And the secret to it all was showbiz.
That’s what the royals really are these days — showbiz. And if England ever needs some razzamatazz any time more than the Blitz it’s right now.
Now the young royals have taken off, driving E-type Jags, living these decadent lives, marrying gorgeous American actresses … it’s showbiz. It has to be.
I’d like to know how much the TV rights for the wedding brought in for the royals, too. Seriously, filming a royal funeral or a royal wedding has got to be almost a trillion-dollar affair.
It’s all just like Formula One, just like Hollywood, just like Disneyland. The Brit royals are Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck personified.
That’s why you’ve got to pay to get the royals anywhere near a function these days. Royals for hire has become a business.
It’s an amazing turnaround when you think how incredibly disappointed England was with the whole Diana saga. At one stage I thought they’d call for a republic!
What truly staggers me, though, is why Australia isn’t a republic yet.
I actually love the royals, all their pomp and ceremony, and their personalities and characters. But I’m not a royalist. No way.
I’m like Diana’s bodyguard, and my great friend for years, Ken Wharfe, who once told me: “I came into this service as a royalist but I came out a republican.”
I can tell you without a word of a lie that people like Prince Philip are living and thinking just like the royals of 200 years ago. He’s living in the olde worlde mindset, like Henry VIII.
From Australia’s perspective, that sort of stuff serves us no purpose whatsoever. We have got to become a republic.
We have to watch it, though. If the bureaucrats and pollies control the republic, we could end up with another paralysing level of government stopping the country from moving forward.
We need to ensure we have a directly-elected president, not one appointed (or sacked) by the prime minister, politicians or political parties.
That president should have all the proper resources and staff an elected country’s leader should have. It’s about time Australia had the leaders it voted for — not some flunkey the parties think will keep their butts safe at the next poll.