Affairs in order
MARRIAGE has been in the news, from the same-sex marriage plebiscite to the downfall of a Deputy Prime Minister and a royal wedding.
Marriage as an institution remains greatly valued but faces increasing challenges, especially in relation to monogamy.
As described by the internationally recognised psychotherapist, Dr Esther Perel, we can learn much about marriage from affairs.
In her recent book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking infidelity, she documents what she has learnt from her specialised work with clients impacted by affairs.
Dr Perel readily acknowledges the extreme distress that people commonly experience after a partner’s affair. As a psychologist, I have often witnessed the harm caused. The hurt is often perceived as ready justification for separation and divorce.
Spouses can be judged negatively for continuing in a marriage after being betrayed. However, this might downplay potential negative consequences of divorce or prospects of rebuilding a marriage afterwards.
Recent US research estimated that between 33 to 75 per cent for men and 26 per cent and 70 per cent for women had cheated, depending on how it was defined. This is despite 91 per cent of American adults viewing infidelity as morally wrong. Our societal expectations and reality are increasingly at odds.
The romantic notion of expecting one person to fulfil all marital hopes and desires is taking a hit. As Dr Perel says, our description of monogamy has shifted from one partner for life to one partner at a time.
In regards to our expectations it’s easy to overlook that our current romantic ideal of marriage only really developed from the late 18th century.
Prior to that marriage was largely viewed as a strategic economic and social arrangement to benefit the partners’ families. Even today more than 50 per cent of marriages internationally are arranged.
As Dr Perel highlights, these days we look to our marital partner to not just support our economic and emotional security, but to also be our coparent, best friend, intimate confidant and passionate lover.
How can partners hope to provide the spark and mystery associated with erotic relationships while managing with the routine demands of everyday life across an elongated lifespan?
There is a conflict between goals of safety, security and predictability in contrast to the novelty and adventure that can fuel sexual desire.
Considering these contrasting expectations we might best be grateful for the many and varied positive aspects of our current marital relationships and partners, however much things seem to fall short of an ideal in some areas. There is something to be celebrated about the positive foundation that committed longterm relationships provide for families and society.
We might best remain open to ways of renewing our marital relationships. As Dr Perel says many of us will have two or three long-term relationships in our adult life — sometimes with the same person!
At another level, societal notions of marriage and monogamy might evolve to bridge the gap between expectations of exclusive attraction and the reality of transgressions. Even happily married partners can cheat. Dr Perel suggests that the key basis of a healthy relationship is trust rather than absolute exclusivity. Non-monogamy, let alone flirting with others, does not necessarily equate to infidelity.
When infidelity occurs, Dr Perel advises partners to separate their feelings about an affair from decisions about the relationship. Whereas some will suffer indefinitely after affairs, others will honestly explore what contributed to the infidelity and rebuild their relationship to include positive changes.
It helps to recognise and appreciate that being sexually attracted to others than our partner is not an act of infidelity in itself. Acknowledging such attraction commonly adds spice to your intimate relationships.
Committed relationships benefit from considering an optimal balance of security and freedom when dealing with attraction to another. Expectations by partners, and by society, about how to respond to such situations might continue to evolve. Dr Perel has given us much food for thought. Chris Mackey is a Fellow of The Australian Psychological Society