Seven dead, and I share the blame

THERE have been seven deaths at a Melbourne home since new tenants moved in six months ago.

The victims, formerly thriving and full of life, suffered this cruel fate as a result of falling into the hands of three neglectful young adults.

My housemates and I are the perpetrators: we are serial indoor plant killers.

It isn’t entirely our fault though. Like puppies and kittens at Christmas time, indoor plants are often thrust upon people despite their inability to care for them.

We collectively received numerous house-warming gifts in plant form which we technically didn’t ask for.

And there’s something about such a gesture, an added obligation to take care of the plant as if your friendship now depends on its survival.

But hello — we are three flat-out uni students who can barely keep our own lives together let alone provide love and care to our potted friends. So with such expertise on the matter I have used our tried and tested mistakes to provide you with a short and concise guide on “how to kill an indoor plant”. Step 1: Don’t water it. Many plants, like humans, rely on water to stay hydrated and alive. If you see your plant shrivelling up and becoming discoloured you are on track. Note: for orchids this step becomes DO water it (trust us, we’ve killed three). Step 2: Keep your blinds closed. Notice how plants often gravitate towards the sun? Stop this process by avoiding natural light in your house at all costs. No sun = sad plant. And finally, in a paradoxical manner, I now want you to put your plant directly the sun.

As my friend described, an indoor plant can be likened to a baby’s skin: sensitive and fragile. The sun will burn the leaves and spark a slow death internally.

Although they have major “insta-worthy” potential it appears the upkeep of an indoor plant is highly underrated.

I’m just hoping my friends don’t ask me where I put their plants next time they’re around.

On the bright side, my faux plants are still going strong — phew!