Tale of the Tape offers a salutary lesson

AFTER hours of crying, our baby finally dropped off to sleep in his mother’s arms — and then her phone rang.

Our son started wailing. “Answer it!” she shouted. “Hello?” I whined. “A warrant has been issued for your arrest. Press 1 immediately,” said the recorded message.

I was so sleep-deprived I complied and was promptly transferred to a human.

“We have found a discarded rental car with 20 pounds of cocaine, fraudulent bank statements, and bloodstains on the seats — the car was rented in your name,” announced the man on the end of the line.

“Who is this?” I yelled.

“My name is Richard Solman. I am an Australian Federal Police officer. My badge number is 78291. Write that down. Your case number is 4859885. Write that down, too. You are potentially in a lot of trouble,” he said.

Then Richard reminded me the call was being recorded and asked for my ID.

After I’d given him my (fake) details, he said I’d been a victim of identity theft.

“How much money do you have in your main account, Mr Tape?” he said.

“I have $13,823,” I said.

“I’m sorry to say that your accounts and your tax file number are compromised. All that money is at risk. We think it could be an inside job,” Rich said.

He ordered me to drive to my nearest bank branch and transfer my money into what he called a “safe” AFP account for 48 hours … while they got to the bottom of the case.

I was thinking, “Who would ever fall for this rubbish?”

The correct answer is, “enough people to make it more than worth their while”.

(Generally the most vulnerable people in our society — those with mental health issues and the elderly, who can be confused and intimidated. Last year, Aussies lost $36m from spam calls.)

Here’s my take: 25 years ago, the internet lowered the cost of sending spam emails to practically zero. And our inboxes were hammered.

Well, until email providers created spam filters.

Yet the scammers have now doubled down. Technology has lowered the cost of calling to basically zero, and spoofing technology makes it look like they’re calling locally.

Which explains why Richard and his mates are so damn busy. They’re making 500 million spam calls around the world each day.

Yet telcos are busy building the phone version of spam filters (with a nudge from the government).

Telstra says it’s blocking up to 500,000 spam calls a day.

My prediction? Spam calls will soon be as rare as spam emails in your inbox.

Until then … if anyone rings with a warrant for your arrest, and asks about a discarded rental car with cocaine, fraudulent bank statements, and bloodstains on the seats … just press 1 … and tell them it was Mr Tape. Information and opinions provided in this column are general in nature and have been prepared for educational purposes only. Always seek personal financial advice tailored to your specific needs before making financial and investment decisions