Managing a healthy mindset through IVF
Good’s emotions expert and mindfulness columnist Dr Alice Boyes shares her IVF journey.
New Zealand and Las Vegas are home to Alice Boyes, her partner, and their three-year-old daughter Celeste, though Las Vegas is currently where the family resides. The author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit and The Anxiety Toolkit, Boyes, 39, is currently going through the rounds of IVF treatment in the hope of providing Celeste (who was conceived using donor sperm) with a sibling.
We asked her about the journey so far.
Why do you want to have a second baby?
I’ve loved mothering and I don’t feel done with pregnancy and the baby phase, so I’m in the position a lot of women are of their biological clock and their life clock not being in sync.
Why did you choose IVF?
There were a few considerations. One was my age. I started the process at 38. I had one miscarriage before conceiving Celeste and knew that was a possibility. Also our sperm donor stopped donating some time ago, so the only sperm we had from him was left over from trying to conceive Celeste. Since my attempts are limited by the amount of his sperm we have, IVF gave us the best chance of a full sibling. If my IVF isn’t successful, she has many half siblings (different mums, same anonymous sperm donor) who we are in touch with and even visit with so already she is not an only child and has an abundance of amazing siblings!
How are you finding the process in terms of your mental health?
It’s sometimes hard to concentrate on other things. Emotionally I’ve been mostly ok but had a few incidents of panic attack-like symptoms through the process. But, given that I’ve written a book about anxiety and have lots of skills for dealing with it, I don’t get too stressed about feeling anxious or panicky. I accept anxiety as part of the process, and just a sign I’m doing something that’s both uncertain and important to me.
Are there any tips you can share of how to deal with disappointments on the IVF journey?
For me, what has been really important is knowing my cognitive style. I’m somewhat of a defensive pessimist, meaning I hope for the best but I also think through potential negative outcomes. With that self-knowledge, I’ve chosen to be realistic through the process and base my expectations on the stats for my age. Based on that, I determined it was worth giving it a try, even without a guaranteed outcome.
In your opinion, what’s the best way to manage the IVF journey?
I think it’s really important to be the squeaky wheel and make sure you’re getting the best evidence-based treatment available. If you have questions or concerns, voice them with your team. Be really conscientious about following the protocol for medications. Do everything you have control over, and then have some acceptance that’s all you can do, and you can’t control the outcome beyond that. Something that has also helped me is that there are plenty of things in my life in which I didn’t succeed at the first try, so I didn’t put pressure on myself for that to happen. And, I’ve also had things in my life that didn’t work out, and coped with that happening.