Great Health Guide - - FRONT PAGE - Words By Leanne Allen De­sign Olha Blagodir

When both peo­ple in a re­la­tion­ship be­have like adults, the part­ner­ship will grow suc­cess­fully. In the Septem­ber is­sue of GHG™, we dis­cussed re­la­tion­ship prob­lems that oc­cur while the in­ner child is in con­trol of the re­la­tion­ship.

The fight­ing will of­ten be­come worse, with mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tions and some­times even abu­sive or con­trol­ling be­hav­iour oc­cur­ring. Re­sent­ment will build and the cou­ple will find it harder and harder to for­give and to move on.


Thus, it is im­por­tant to know that there is a way to help the in­ner child ‘grow’, to heal the wounds of the past and to move into be­ing a happy, healthy adult.

How can these prob­lem be­hav­iours be re­solved in a re­la­tion­ship?

Prob­lems within a re­la­tion­ship can of­ten lead to the blame game, ‘I’m al­right, you’re the prob­lem’. Once you have recog­nised that the prob­lems within the re­la­tion­ship, do NOT be­long to one per­son but to both peo­ple, then so­lu­tions oc­cur. When the emo­tional games have stopped be­ing played out, a space is cre­ated for both peo­ple to grow emo­tion­ally. This means that the adult is now in charge and you are tak­ing full re­spon­si­bil­ity for ev­ery­thing that you do, no ex­cuses. You recog­nise when your trig­gers are be­ing pushed and take re­spon­si­bil­ity for the emo­tion that you are feel­ing.

An adult will re­spond to dif­fi­cult sit­u­a­tions in a very dif­fer­ent way than a child. An adult with more life ex­pe­ri­ence and more self-con­trol, can han­dle re­la­tion­ship prob­lems more ap­pro­pri­ately. When an adult is in con­trol, a re­la­tion­ship is more likely to con­tinue to be happy and healthy.

Ex­am­ples of good adult be­hav­iour are:

1. Fac­ing prob­lems head on, not with­draw­ing from them.

2. Stay­ing true to your­self; be­hav­ing in a way that is con­sis­tent with your val­ues.

3. Never us­ing sex as, a bar­gain­ing tool, to get it, or not to have it, but be­ing re­spect­ful of each-oth­ers sex­ual needs.

4. Never re­sort­ing to name call­ing.

5. Lis­ten­ing to your part­ner’s needs and work­ing with them.

6. Con­tribut­ing equally to the house­hold chores; not ex­pect­ing some­one else to do it all for you.

7. Know­ing that you are se­cure enough, to al­low your part­ner to do what they want, when they want.

8. Know­ing that you are equal in your re­la­tion­ship and be­ing able to main­tain equal­ity.

Thus, when both peo­ple in a re­la­tion­ship ap­ply these ex­am­ples of good adult be­hav­iour, then the part­ner­ship will grow suc­cess­fully.

Al­low­ing your­self to stop, slow down and ac­knowl­edge that you are the only per­son

that can make you feel any­thing, no one else can do that, is very em­pow­er­ing. If you feel wounded, then it is your in­ner child that is wounded and who is again in con­trol. If you can see a sit­u­a­tion for what it is, i.e. two wounded chil­dren at­tempt­ing to win an un­winnable bat­tle and be able to stay in con­trol, then that is a very sat­is­fy­ing place to reach. This is some­thing that as adults, we can all as­pire to do.

It is im­por­tant to note that old wounds also lead to many be­hav­iours that as adults, are not help­ful. These be­hav­iours can be ad­dic­tion to drugs, al­co­hol, gam­bling, shop­ping or porn for in­stance. Adults are un­able to stay in re­la­tion­ships be­cause of anger or an in­abil­ity to see the other per­son’s point of view. Read­ing self-help books are use­ful, but re­ally go­ing to that deep wound and work­ing on it can­not hap­pen, sim­ply by read­ing about it. This is where a ther­a­pist can help you to un­der­stand your feel­ings to­wards hurt­ful sit­u­a­tions from your past.

Avoid­ing an emo­tional wound is just the same as avoid­ing a phys­i­cal wound. It can lead to in­fec­tion, per­haps it ap­pears to heal but there are scars, it can make the wound worse. Giv­ing the wound the right at­ten­tion, means it is more likely to heal well and make a full re­cov­ery. This is why it is so im­por­tant to go to re­la­tion­ship ther­apy sooner rather than later. Find a ther­a­pist that you feel com­fort­able with and work on your­self. You can heal the wounds of the past and to move into a happy, healthy, adult re­la­tion­ship.

Leanne Allen (BA Psych), Is the prin­ci­ple psy­chol­o­gist at Re­con­nect Psy­chol­ogy and Coach­ing Ser­vices with two of­fices, one in River­stone and Wind­sor area (­con­ She has trained in Sand­play Ther­apy, NLP and CBT. Leanne has also just com­pleted train­ing as a life coach. Her ap­proach is to look for­ward while re­leas­ing the trauma of the past. If there is some­thing that you would like to know about please feel free to leave a com­ment on her Face­book page


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