COVID-19 CRISIS: COUPLES WHO SURVIVE

There are at least two very predictable outcomes from the current COVID-19 event. One is that about nine or ten months from now there will be a large uptick in the number of births. This outcome could be positive and even a blessing. The second highly predictable outcome is both sad and even tragic. There will also be a substantial increase in the number of divorces. Many couples will not survive the powerful stresses brought on by the COVID-19 virus. Illness, isolation, social distancing, financial and job losses, family difficulties and even too much time without distraction, plus all the difficult emotions these generate are, for many couples, far too much for their usual coping skills to handle. Relationships crack under the pressure and loving bonds give way to anger, blame, frustration, fear and hurt. Instead of growing closer and stronger, couples find themselves further apart than they ever imagined, and, in their despair, they choose disconnection as a solution. To many, this will mean divorce.

The good news is divorce can be avoided. Yes, couples can survive the crisis and yes, some can even emerge with a stronger and more loving relationship than they had when it began. Here are three very practical techniques for surviving and thriving that truly work…if you both do them.

If you truly want your relationship to survive and even become great, then please pay attention and follow my directions.

1. Consider your relationship as precious.

If you are under a lot of stress and it is affecting your attitude and behavior towards your partner, this will take a bit of effort…at first. But that effort is worth whatever it takes. So, take a moment and breathe deeply. Close your eyes if it helps. Get as calm as you can and remember the beginning of your relationship when things were great. Remember the love, the tenderness, the care and the passion. Feel it. Remember when your love for each other was truly precious. Yes, I know this feeling probably diminished or got lost in the stresses of life but remember it now. Bring it back at least for a moment. Remember how precious your partner was to you and how precious the relationship was.

Now answer this question: What if I treated my relationship and my partner as precious right now?

I know this might be hard under the circumstances but trust me for a moment. Even a small effort at this can help. Once you did feel he or she was precious. Imagine it is still true. Be with that and let it fill your heart.

Next question: Do you want that special feeling back? Of course, you do. OK, now you are ready for the second exercise.

2. Affirmation.

Recent research about truly happy couples, whether they have been together for 5 or 10 or 30 years, has revealed one very specific behavior that they all share. They communicate a lot more positives than negatives. In fact, the ratio of positive

to negative comments in happy couples is at least 20:1. This means that they say twenty positive things to each other for each one negative comment. It is my experience, as a couple’s counselor, that couples in difficulty usually do the exact opposite. The negative heavily outweighs the positive.

The sad truth is that most of us did not grow up in families that modeled such positive communication. It is something we need to learn. And YES, it can be learned and YES, it can even be learned during a difficult relationship. Does that require a bit of self-discipline? YES, and the truth is, you are worth it, your

partner is worth it, and your relationship is worth it. So here is how it works.

• Get a 3x5 card and write down all your partner’s positive characteristics. Leave nothing out from the tiniest to the most meaningful. Everything positive counts.

• Keep the card in your wallet or purse. Read it every day.

• Finally, and most importantly, share 3 or 4 of these with your partner each day. Do this for 30 days.

Will this process be difficult? Yes, it might be, at first. Will it have positive effects? YES. So, try it. Really try it. Put your heart into it. It is powerful.

OK, now you are ready for the third exercise, which is both an attitude and a behavior.

3. All your words matter.

It is no accident that all the great world religions emphasize the divine power of words. God creates by speaking. God also gifted us with the same power. We also create every time we speak. We create peace and love and tenderness or anger, hurt and resentment. We have a choice each time a word or sentence emerges from our mouth. There are no throw away words. Every single word we utter matters. Couples who are happy, pay attention to this truth. Couples who are unhappy have forgotten it. If you want a much happier and satisfying relationship, then pay attention to every word you speak to your partner.

When it comes to your relationship, you cannot afford to ignore the power of your words. If you speak insensitively or harshly or hurtfully you will create pain and distance between you and the one you love. If you speak with care and tenderness and respect you will create love. This is a truth as real and observable as the equation 1 + 1 = 2. It is an unchangeable truth. Love begets love and your words are an essential part of that creation.

So, try this exercise today. Choose your words carefully when you interact with your partner. Speak with respect and care and tenderness no matter what your subject is. Keep it up, even if you get no positive results at first. It might be difficult…at first. If you have a history of speaking without thinking this way, it might take a little time to generate a new and loving level of communication. But, if you persist, you will create something amazing. I promise.

Now you have three very practical techniques that really work if you apply them with all your heart. Remember that you are worth it, your partner is worth it, and your relationship is worth it. Now go and make it happen!

Dr Matthew Anderson has a Doctor of Ministry specialising in counselling. He has extensive training and experience in Gestalt and Jungian Psychology and has helped many people successfully navigate relationship issues. Dr Anderson has a best-selling book, ‘The Resurrection of Romance’ and he may be contacted via his website.

Listening is the key to all effective communication & understanding.