Smart home living

Jennifer Phin warms to the prospect of a robot companion

Apparently Aibo is back. I’ll be honest, I had no idea that Sony’s adorkable robot dog ever went away, but then I’m stuck in a ’90s netherworld with my bootcut jeans and Buffy box set, so culture-lag is inevitable.

Back in the day, I had no idea why anyone would want a robot dog — “Like, seriously? Stick googly eyes on the toaster.” — but now I think Aibo might be the best pet ever. Would Aibo entertain my toddler? Yes. Would it pee on the carpet? No. Might I enjoy companionship in my twilight years without all that pesky dog walking? Yes. Do I have to worry about being partially-eaten by Aibo when I finally shuffle into death’s warm embrace? No! Everyone’s a winner! Plus, Sony claims that Aibo can learn what makes me happy and show “love for its owners through lifelike expressions and a dynamic array of movements,” which is frankly more than many of my other potential life partners seem to have managed.

I sent a Direct Message to my brother, a man so cripplingly shy that he had to move to Japan to avoid talking directly to anyone he knows, to ask if he’ll be buying a “family Aibo” for us all to obsess over. He replies “LOL nope!” alongside a string of kanji characters that I’ll guess translate as “I live in a high-tech shoebox and pay more for fruit than you pay for gas, fool.”

Whatever, we’ll be together one day, Aibo. Just you, me, and Buffy. While we’re waiting, practice your lifelike expressions. Can you do I Love You But I’ll Never Gnaw On Your Shoes Or Corpse? Cool.