On the similarities our premier might share with Kim Jong-un
A letter to Kim Jong-un. Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea
Dear Mr Kim, I was alarmed to read that you will soon have 100 nuclear bombs and, if sufficiently provoked, the means to send them in our direction.
I don’t want to draw attention to my sleepy town of Hobart, nor to my obscure little island, which I trust you have never heard of, but, as they say, it’s a small world. So just in case you are ever tempted to lob a missile in our direction, I would like you to know just how much our two often-misunderstood states have in common.
Just as commentators denigrate your great country of North Korea with terms such as “the hermit kingdom”, so too do we suffer similar slights. Foreigners make jokes about us having two heads while ironists, satirists and others refer to our island as “Little Cuba”. They confuse the discipline, order and clear direction of the Comrades Castro with totalitarianism, when ours is, of course, precisely the same necessary good governance exemplified by your popular rule.
You will be interested to know that as well as a fondness for state ownership you have much in common with our own dear leader, Mr Will. His much-admired wise governance is emulating your splendid example by moving to limit the archaic and effete “right to protest” so prized by decadent Western liberals and their declining democracies.
At the risk of putting us on your radar, so to speak, I would like to invite you to visit the island of Little Cuba. (Like you, we wear insult as a badge of honour.) Your good friend, Chinese President Xi Jinping, visited recently and received the warmest welcome from our people and leadership. Not once did Mr Will ever mention senseless distractions such as Tibet or human rights. Similarly, you might expect the same uncritical reception, especially if you would like to buy a few dairy farms. Be assured we are open for business and not the least discriminatory as to what we sell and to whom we sell it. Would you be interested in a cable car or maybe a fish farm?
You, sir, have much more in common with our leader. Like you, Mr Will is the latest ruler in a dynasty stretching back to the beginning of our People’s Democracy. Just as your dynasty has endured insults from abroad, so has his. His father Mr Michael, another great leader, spoke so loudly in the defence of his people that his enemies abroad dubbed him “the mouth from the south”. Just as you didn’t lose weight when US Senator John McCain called you “a crazy fat kid”, nor did Mr Michael grow silent. Like you, insults merely encouraged him to greater effort. He didn’t quite threaten to go to war as you have over McCain’s unkind words. But, not possessing nuclear weapons, he bravely fought a victorious war of words.
The aggressive posturing of the US has made us all nervous, which is why I am writing this letter. My kids were very worried when you told us your missiles could reach our region as well as the US. They couldn’t understand how a guy with such “crazy” hair (unlike McCain, they meant that in a good way) would want to blow them away. Until you took power, they didn’t even know where North Korea was, just as they now hope you don’t know where they are. All that will change, of course, if you can accept the invitation to visit us and form a closer relationship between our great states. You will find the mainland to our north is closely wedded to the US, so I don’t recommend you make a stopover there. Fortunately, Mr Will is extending the runway at our airport so our mutual Chinese friends can fly here direct. I suggest this as the safest and wisest way for you to travel.
We are building a new 20-storey hotel tower in the centre of our city especially to accommodate you and your entourage. We are hoping you might perform the opening ceremony, which will represent a final discarding of our colonial past. With your help, we shall replace history with the future as you have done in the glorious city of Pyongyang.
Just like yours, our People’s Democracy is surrounded by enemies and detractors who would seek to ridicule, weaken and isolate us. But if your people can speak to mine, I believe a meeting of dear leaders will make us both stronger and that together we will achieve everything we so thoroughly deserve. I respectfully anticipate your favourable consideration.