CHARLES WOOLEY
On the latest GST stoush and how it might inspire secessionist ideas
We should all be alarmed when those mean-minded, pennypinching mainland premiers want to reduce our share of the GST carve-up.
We should be particularly alarmed by the mood in Western Australia, where they get back only 34.4c in every dollar of GST revenue raised. Those sand gropers get very upset about this apparent imbalance. Their premier plays to the crowd by whining that Tasmania gets $1.80 in every dollar we pay.
But, to be fair, it’s no wonder other states think we’re rolling in their money. I have to admit, it must have looked that way, too, with our last state budget anticipating a GST bonanza of $350 million over the next three years. I’m not sure what we do with the money, given our ridiculous hospital queues and the fact half of us cannot read – and on evidence probably can’t count, either.
But please know that what I write here is just between us. These opinions do not cross Bass Strait. When I’m abroad, I am a shameless Tasmanian patriot. When they ask, “What do you idle mendicants do with all the money we give you?”, I never breathe a word about Sustainable Timber Tasmania.
Instead, I go on the attack and demand to know what part of the compound noun “Commonwealth” don’t they understand.
I remind our detractors that while Tassie might look like a ball and chain around the leg of Australia, they knew the deal back in 1901 when we all joined up. We federated for better or worse – and right now, it just happens to be better for us and worse for them. Which, between you and me, is much better than the other way around.
The good news is this happy situation might last. The hard heads and cold hearts at the Productivity Commission have defended the “horizontal fiscal equalisation formula”. Don’t flee to the dictionary. It means they think we are getting no more than a fair suck of the Commonwealth sauce bottle – and so should you, if you know what’s good for you.
The bad news is the other states don’t agree and the Turnbull Government is looking like losing the next election to disaffection outside of Sydney and Melbourne. If they start to throw more money at mainland regional Australia and less at us, the chips will be down and we will soon discover whether Sustainable Timber Tasmania really is what the name suggests.
If we are not properly appreciated on the mainland, we could always pay homage to the Catalans, who have overwhelmingly voted to secede from Spain. The Scots, meanwhile, are again threatening to leave Britain and go with Europe. Breaking up is in vogue and some aspects of Tasmanian secession would be simple.
We have no borders to dispute, other than some Bass Strait islands. Flinders and King are to us what we are to Australia: expensive and fractious. They’ve been threatening to leave us for years so just let them go. We can keep Bruny Island but we do finally need to make some reasonable economies if we are going to run our own show.
The Hodgman family dynasty has often been staunchly secessionist. Our premier’s father and grandfather are on record as believing Tasmania could “go it alone”, so maybe we can rely on Will to keep the side up. As with Scotland, there is a romantic economic case to make for Tasmanian Home Rule. Just think whisky revenue with duty-free tourism and no GST. Add scallops, lobsters, opium, marijuana, beer, pinot noir, cheese, wagyu beef and Mona: revolutions have been fought for so much less.
Sometime in the near future, foreign minister Julie Bishop reports to Turnbull: “I’ve just received information from DFAT that the Tasmanian Parliament has passed a unilateral declaration of independence.”
“Damn. Why did they do that? I thought they were on my side after the Tony Abbott head-butting affair.”
“They’re angry because you’ve taken away their absurdly generous GST payments.” “What does Eric Abetz say?” “They’ve left the Commonwealth so the senator is out of a job.”
“Well, that’s some consolation. But what action can we take? Should we invade?”
“Malcolm, the ADF says we don’t have the capacity. Besides, Premier Hodgman has a close personal relationship with President Xi and the Chinese have recognised Tasmanian sovereignty. They own half the island and their warships are on their way to the independence celebrations in Hobart.” “How can we make this look good?” “Well, we will save a fortune. The state premiers will be happy and most Australians won’t even notice. My advice is we should follow the Chinese and recognise the Tasmanian nation and send an ambassador.”
“Good idea. Please ask Tony Abbott to step into my office.”