CHARLES WOOLEY

There is so much election signage around now you hardly notice it, unless it’s really bad. So it was, passing through Campbell Town a couple of weeks back, that I couldn’t miss an advertisement for a bloke called Darren Clark, whose picture looked like a lowbudget selfie. I took a shot of it and posted it on Facebook, assuming this was typically the campaign of just another of democracy’s naive hopefuls, destined for political obscurity.

How wrong could I be? Clark has a national profile, although a most bizarre one. It was revealed recently in the national media that Darren Clark, Labor’s candidate for Lyons, had his photo taken with a mobile phone jammed between the cheeks of his bum.

Who ratted him out and should we feel a little sorry for the hapless candidate? The shot was taken four years ago and Clark has now declared how much he publicly regrets “allowing this image to be taken in my personal time with four mates”.

Lyons is a strange electorate, but still it is probably uncommon practice for five mates to hang out taking photos of mobile phones up one’s and others’ bums. Were it common practice then there might even be votes in it. Certainly, it would make a more compelling election poster than the one in which Clark is featured. A second-time contender in Lyons, the candidate was not guaranteed to succeed, but now he’s infamous, I’m not so sure. In Lyons you don’t always have to be sensible or an oil painting to get elected.

Of course, this kind of thing happens all the time in politics and all parties are frequently embarrassed by their candidates. In the Queensland election it turned out one of Pauline Hanson’s team was secretly the owner of a Townsville sex shop. In the Bennelong by-election the Liberals’ John Alexander was outed for having ages ago told an appalling joke about rape.

How long would the questionnaire have to be if political parties were to vet for every conceivable stupidity in the life of a candidate?

Question 1002. Have you ever sold dildos?

Question 1003. Have you ever publicly told a sexist or racist joke?

Question 1004. Have you ever had your picture taken with a mobile phone between your buttocks?

Question 1005. Can four of your mates keep a secret?

The Weekend Australian chased up the Tasmanian ALP state secretary Stuart Benson with the news he didn’t want to hear.

“I’ve spoken to Mr Clark and expressed dismay and disappointment,” Mr Benson told the paper. (It wasn’t reported whether they had spoken on the candidate’s mobile.) “We expect higher standards.”

Predictably, the Liberals had a field day. Liberal MP Michael Ferguson said that at the time the photo was allegedly emailed from ceo@pcyctas.org on Monday, November 24, Mr Clark was working for the local Police and Citizens Youth Club.

Ferguson told the ABC: “Mr Clark was the CEO of the PCYC working with at-risk young people and has been involved in some lewd, crude and disgusting behaviour.”

Despite all the moral outrage, the last thing the Liberals in Lyons really want is for Clark to be disendorsed. For them he is worth much more on the Labor ticket than off it. Normally Labor can expect two seats in Lyons and with “Noddy” Llewellyn finally retiring, maybe Clark still has a chance of picking up the second seat on Rebecca White’s coat-tails.

This is on the basis that if you stand enough times you eventually get in, which explains the intellectual poverty of our Parliament where persistence baffles brains every time. Still, the Liberals cynically but reasonably assume Clark would be Labor’s weak link in Parliament, so they would reckon better him than someone good.

Now I’m not so ready to write off Clark a second time. While it’s hard to see the conservative bible belt of Lyons voting for a bloke with a BlackBerry where the sun doesn’t shine, still Clark has turned the other cheek and profoundly apologised. He remains on the ticket, the Labor leader asking him to withdraw only the mobile.

So far the party has managed to keep the offending pictures off social media. Good luck with that. Barnaby Joyce’s pregnant girlfriend recently made the front page of the Daily Telegraph in Sydney and the Deputy PM has a bit more clout than a backwoods Tassie pollie with a phone in his crack. But over the years I’ve seen some pretty eccentric characters elected in Lyons so I’m giving Clark an outside chance regardless of whether we ever get the full picture.

If Labor forms government, probably everyone will get a Cabinet job.

Mobile reception is dreadful in regional Tasmania. I reckon Clark is a natural for a new much-needed portfolio. As Minister for Mobile Phones we can be assured he will always be on top of the job.