It’s a high bar, but we can listen to kids
Kids should have a say without being laughed at, ridiculed or shouted down, says Megan Lang
IN those weeks of eternal togetherness, we watched a lot of Bluey.
My boys have seen every
Bluey episode at least seven times, and we parents laughed and cried along with them. The kids love the imaginative fun of the doggie sisters Bluey and Bingo. Mum and Dad Heeler are always in a good mood and ready to play.
They are also always ready to listen to their children.
In one episode, the kids point out that Dad teases them, albeit in a loving and amusing way. Dad listens and does not become defensive or cross. The teasing does not stop completely, but the balance is shifted, with the kids participating in the running joke. They gave their opinions, they were heard, and their world was changed.
In the real world, there is a lot of talk about children, but precious little from them. There has been much said about children and the risk of COVID-19, the harm to the learning and relationships of being away from school, the difficulties of juggling work or unemployment with home educating.
Occasionally there is a heartwarming story, such as the inspiring messages children wrote on pavements across the country.
Even here, the focus was not on the full spectrum of what children had to say. Overwhelmingly, there is no platform for children’s voices to be heard speaking about issues that affect them. But, I hear you say, in the end grown-ups know best, don’t they? The answer is, not always. We have all been children, and it is tempting to think we know what it is like. We do not. No one knows about being a child like a child.
The fact that adults carry responsibility for their children does not give them the right to cut children out of decisions that affect them. Listening to children does not mean they always get what they want. It does not mean adults lose the authority to make final decisions. There is always a tension between listening to children and deciding what is best or safest for them. But wellbeing and healthy development depend on having a say in things that affect you. Expressing an opinion on issues that affect you is also a human right, set down in the 1989 Convention on the Rights of the Child and ratified by most countries of the United Nations.
Even very young children may have views about issues that affect them.
In a local preschool, the children were consulted about their environment.
Through drawings and conversations, the children made it known that they did not like using little, child-sized furniture. They wanted big furniture, like they had at home. The grown-ups collected an eclectic mix of big furniture, and everyone was happy. The children learned they could offer their opinions and people would listen. Their confidence grew. They knew they had been heard and learned something about how
to listen. They were capable of changing things in their world.
How do we listen effectively? Professor Laura Lundy of Queens University Belfast says children need space, voice, audience and influence. Space is ensuring children and young people feel safe and encouraged to express their views. It should be considered normal for them to contribute, and when they say something they should never be laughed at, ridiculed or shouted down.
Voice means children and young people are supported in giving their opinions. Even adults cannot give a fully formed opinion on an issue without time for thought. Developing good opinions requires information and time, and perhaps facilitation.
Some children may not want to speak in front of others, but they might be happy to write a letter or draw a picture and tell you about it. Even very young children can surprise you with their views expressed through a drawing, a chat about a photo, or some imaginative play.
Being an attentive audience is a challenge parents recognise. Sometimes, waiting for the end of that sentence with lunches half-made, someone calling from the other end of the house and the phone ringing isn’t easy. It’s also hard to consider children’s opinions when a threat is looming and you are responsible for their safety.
But children need to know the adults around them care about what they think, especially about important things. Influence is acting on what children say. Sometimes acting is easy. Sometimes children’s views can’t be accommodated, because it is not practical or safe, or just not what was finally decided. In this case, children should know adults thought about what they said and the reasons they decided against it.
In idealistic Bluey, the kids are always heard. Real life is more complicated, but the question remains — are we really listening to our children and young people? Do kids feel their opinions matter?
We may never achieve the standards of the Heeler family but listening to children is a step towards greater wellbeing for children and families, and more effective participation and representation in the community, to the benefit of us all.