PITCH ROOT OF ALL EVIL

AUSSIES NEED POMMY MIRACLE

AUSTRALIA’S slim hopes of a Steven Bradbury-style qualification for the World Test Championship final now rest on England transforming from hapless bunnies to roaring lions in the fourth Test match against India.

Could the Old Enemy really produce the most stirring response from an embarrassing total since, well, India did exactly that on Boxing Day two months ago?

It seems implausible but the Barmy Army should mail Tim Paine and Justin Langer honorary one-game memberships just in case.

The scenario for the Test Grand Final, for which New Zealand has already qualified, is simple.

If India wins or draws the fourth Test – which begins on Thursday at Ahmedabad’s massive 132,000-seat stadium – it will play the Black Caps.

But if England ($4.20 with TAB) wins then Australia goes through. How it came to this is anything but simple.

In what was the shortest Test match since 1935, strike bowlers James Anderson, Jofra Archer, Jasprit Bumrah and Ishant Sharma were reduced to spectators and spin bowlers were superhuman wizards.

Although that might be a touch unfair on Ishant, given the tailender who can barely hold a bat somehow smashed the first six of what was an unforgettable match.

The day-night Test was over inside two days as England captain Joe Root’s stunning 5-8 was overshadowed in a blink because one session later he was opening the bowling in the fourth innings.

Root’s team was skittled for 112 and 81, and in between India was rolled for 145 before rolling to a 10-wicket win.

England greats cried foul after the match. The doctored pitch was a disgrace, they huffed, and the BCCI should be punished. The rest of the world cried in laughter. There’s little doubt this Test was a lottery, and picking the spin was harder than picking the Powerball numbers.

Indian tweaker Axar Patel, playing his second Test, hit the jackpot with 11 wickets.

There were comedy lines everywhere.

Anderson, who put his feet up in the last Test so he could wreak havoc with the pink ball under lights in this one, did not register a run or a wicket.

Jonny Bairstow flew back to England in January so he could take a two-week breather outside the biosecurity bubble. He returned to bat on this raging turner and made a pair. It was a 14,000km round trip for zero runs.

Should the BCCI be docked WTC points for rolling out such a doctored pitch?

Was the pitch unplayable? Or was it the extra coat of lacquer on the pink ball that set it off like a firecracker?

Does the ICC need to bring in neutral pitch inspectors or employ groundsmen to work all over the world?

Was this a sad day for Test cricket? Or a historic one?

Or is it all overkill and poor batting was simply to blame?