Parents don’t need to be hovered over

Helicopter children may well stop their ageing parents from flying high, writes Gary Martin

THEY were once accused of being helicopter parents – those well-intentioned yet clingy adults who would forever hover over their offspring and come in to land to rescue them at the first sign of any trouble.

As these parents advance in age, the helicopter is coming in for a 180 rotation – and it is their grown-up offspring who are at risk of become helicopter children.

Helicopter children develop a zero tolerance for any form of risk facing their ageing parents.

They seize on some of the common risks often linked to those growing older, such as failing eyesight and hearing, reduced mobility, faltering decision-making skills, the inability to see through scams and erratic driving.

A helicopter child will hijack an ageing mother’s diary because of a single missed health care appointment, rearrange a father’s loungeroom to remove what they perceive as potential fall risks, declutter their childhood residence because it fails to meet their own personal standards of tidiness and commandeer their parents’ bank accounts because an electricity bill falls past its due date.

The helicopter children’s actions, while often well intentioned, are the complete opposite of what their elderly parents want or need.

They overstep boundaries and infringe on their parents’ right to make decisions for themselves.

Rather than providing support that empowers their parents, helicopter children inadvertently disempower their loved ones. They take control of daily living functions that their parents should retain.

Most ageing parents will be at pains to point out that the best approach to meeting their lifestyle needs is likely to sit somewhere between ceding full control of their lives to helicopter children and the other extreme – a complete lack of involvement by their offspring.

Locating the sweet spot requires adult children to engage with their parents by undertaking challenging tasks with, rather than for, them. This will not preclude taking full control when a particular situation warrants it.

Ageing parents, too, must ensure they take some responsibility for discussing their specific needs with their offspring. The clearer the parents articulate their needs, the greater the chances they will be met and the lower the risk their children will take over their lives.

Unless a parent is experiencing extreme challenges with daily living, adult children must take every step to let their parent function as independently as possible.

Even post-pandemic, there will be risks overhanging our lives.

The challenge is to be able to accept the reality of risks not only for ourselves but also for the people we care about.

This will require adult children to be on a mission to help their older parents help themselves.