Bring your positive mindset to the table

Festive family gatherings don’t have to end in angst, writes

IT is the most wonderful time of year, right up until the moment the holiday season is marred by that other annual family tradition – the festive fallout. Spending time with relatives during the holidays can feed our souls but on some occasions it can transform the festive season from one of good to ill will.

In just a matter of hours, tinsel can turn to tension when relatives bring to the Christmas table a few unwelcome guests in the shape of their own one-sided opinions, sibling rivalries, unrealistic expectations and over-controlling parenting.

The fact is, most extended families are nowhere near as unified, thoughtful and harmonious during the festive season as those Christmas movies would have us believe.

This is partly due to the fact the lead-up to the holidays tends to bring with it a sleigh full of extra stress. On top of those obvious yuletide aggravations, a Santa sack overflowing with troubles can sometimes appear when we spend time with the rellies.

Ding dongs about who will host members of the extended family, feuds about the food to be served on the day and clashes about cleaning up can turn a merry Christmas into a moody one faster than you can say “Jingle Bells”.

Perhaps even worse, there are family members upset with the gifts they have received and those who spark biffo over board games, rows over rude remarks and dust-ups over differences of opinions.

And for those with in-laws who are more naughty than nice, a few days of festivities in their presence can leave us marinating in seasonal misery.

With all of these seasonal stressors floating around, it is not hard to see why spending time with relatives might end up in a war of words, clashes or squabbles.

This Christmas, if you find yourself experiencing the dread that occasionally comes with spending time with your extended family, consider the power of positive intentions in remedying the situation.

Having positive intentions requires a mindset manoeuvre that prompts us to reframe our thinking.

When we expect the worst from sharing time with family members, we ruminate and often create the worst-case scenarios in our minds.

This causes us to catastrophise even minor unsavoury incidents as they unfold before our very eyes.

We automatically conclude that any negative action by one of our relatives is malicious in intent, a belligerent act of unkindness or something designed to wound or hurt.

Yet if we assume the best of a family member rather than the worst, we are more likely to view their actions in a more understanding and less judgmental manner.

We rarely have the full picture when it comes to understanding another family member’s personal situation, particularly if we see them infrequently.

It means we often remain oblivious to their personal struggles, barriers and challenges.

If we knew more, we would be less likely to misinterpret or misunderstand their behaviours, actions or tactics around the Christmas table. It follows then that we should avoid the temptation to automatically assume a family member acted out of a desire to cause harm and instead consider there might be an alternative explanation.

Having positive intentions means starting with the basic premise that a family member meant well or was doing their best, regardless of what they did or said.

It does not mean that a family member’s inappropriate behaviours must be tolerated. And it certainly does not suggest that we are condoning behaviours of the past.

But it does permit us to assume a more balanced perspective and enables us to be less reactive in the moment.

Having positive intentions is all about attempting a fresh starting point or offering up a second chance to those who have caused us grief, discomfort or hurt during past gatherings.

While having positive intentions might help to reduce the prospects of a harrowing time, it is not a silver bullet for deep-seated family issues of a particularly serious nature.

It might, however, take the edge off dealing with those more regular dramas that seem to ignite faster than a brandy soaked pudding when families catch up around the Christmas table.