Pick the best person for the task

Within a relationship, we tend to slip into doing tasks that may not match our skills

On family holidays we love to play games. Recently, while at the beach for a few nights, someone announced that we should play a card game. As soon as it was suggested there was instant agreement and everyone automatically went into action.

I started to draw up the complicated score sheet, someone else went to make drinks and nibbles, another found the cards and started shuffling, and another cleared the table and set the room ready to play. It was as if we had choreographed the whole thing, but we simply slid into roles as a matter of routine and learned history.

This automatic “slipping into roles” also happens in relationships, where partners create a sense of ownership over certain jobs over time – from who cleans the kitchen, to who mows the lawn, to who takes out the rubbish, to who has the tough conversations with the kids. Couples tend to settle into a routine of who-does-what without necessarily considering who might be more effective at what – it just kind of happens.

Interestingly, this is also what we can happen when it comes to financial tasks. The four most common roles are:

• Chooses the long-term investments

• Directs the day-to-day budgeting and spending

• Sorts out the tax

• Instigates and plan holidays and “life” spending.

We all tend to take on some of these roles and leave the others to our partner, perhaps without considering who is best suited to which role. Often these roles are dictated by social expectations rather than capability, or by perceived glamour or status (like long-term investing).

However, problems can emerge through emotional conflict due to perceived imbalances in power, or because of different risk appetites. Status and control are less complicated to deal with in some ways than risk appetite, which has its basis in the emotion of fear. No two people are always going to have the same appetite for risk, even if they are relatively conservative. One will always be higher on the risk scale and will tend to take on the role of advocating for riskier adventures. The more conservative will tend to try and avoid pitfalls, and the less conservative will try to avoid missing opportunities. Both are fear based.

An interesting psychological phenomenon is that people change their attitudes, behaviours and even emotional reactions in ways that align with the role they are playing at any given moment. A previously highly conservative person can develop a much higher risk tolerance when coupled with someone even more conservative than themselves. Therefore, agreeing who should take on what tasks, or what roles you will play, becomes really important. It’s not about what you can do, it’s about what would you be best at – what roles would you be better suited to. Doing this effectively will not only improve your financial outcomes, it is particularly important in sustaining healthy relationships overall.

A comprehensive research project by Jeffrey Dew, an assistant professor of Family, Consumer and Human Development at Utah State University, revealed that disagreements about money are the most accurate predictor of divorce, and when a spouse doesn’t trust the other partner in financial matters marital unhappiness is much more likely. In fact, another study indicated that perceiving your partner to be a foolish spender increased the likelihood of divorce by 45%.

Put simply, if each of us took on the financial tasks for which we’re best suited within our relationships (and “none” should not be an option), we would all be happier, healthier and more prosperous.

Phil Slade is a behavioural economist and psychologist, and co-founder of decision architecture firm Decida.