HOW TO RAISE A CONFIDENT CHILD
WITH MUM-OFTWO AND SOCIAL COMMENTATOR ANGELA MOLLARD
One of the most difficult aspects of modern parenting is finding a line between supporting our children but not helicoptering. We want our kids to have confidence and competence, but also resourcefulness, independence, resilience and grit.
So how can we help our kids become more confident?
TACKLE MANAGEABLE CHALLENGES
While kids have to learn to do things for themselves, adults provide ‘scaffolding’ in the form of demonstration, conversation around a task or simply standing by if required.
As Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids, points out: ‘Scaffolding also teaches children that help is always available if they need it.
‘You want your kids to know that deep in their bones before they hit adolescence.’
EMPATHISE RATHER THAN EVALUATE
Help your kids to learn to evaluate themselves. Laura says it’s better to describe what your child has done and empathise with how they feel. Such as: ‘You kept practising and didn’t give up, you must feel proud.’
TEACH SELFENCOURAGEMENT
While we all need encouragement, children also need to develop an inner-voice to encourage themselves for the rest of their lives, says Laura.
She suggests teaching them mantras they can repeat when things are tough. ‘Practice makes progress,’ and ‘I think I can, I think I can,’ are two of her favourites.
USE POSITIVE LANGUAGE
Modelling positive self-talk is critical and we need to coach children to replace negative statements with positive wherever possible. Teach your child to treat themselves as you would a friend.
, DON T BE AFRAID , OF YOUR CHILD S FEELINGS
When your child is frustrated, it’s easy to become frustrated yourself, but it’s OK to let your child experience their feelings fully. As Laura says, your child may cry and sulk all day, but if you offer unconditional understanding it will help them grieve. Instead of solving, use phrases such as: ‘I’m sorry this is so hard,’ or ‘This isn’t how you hoped it would turn out.’
PUT SETBACKS INTO PERSPECTIVE
Under-confident children and girls in particular have a tendency to catastrophic, says Katty Kay, author of the Confidence Code For Girls.
As she says: ‘It’s important to break that cycle by being clear about the actual downside of a risk – helping them to be realistic usually shows them that the consequence is nowhere near as bad as they think.’
HAVE SOFT EYES
Confidence comes from being heard. While being present is important, so is warmth and softness. Parenting author Justin Coulson uses the term ‘soft eyes’ to describe focusing on your child with a soft tone, welcoming posture and loving eyes.