HOW TO TEACH KIDS ABOUT CONSENT
WITH MUM-OFTWO AND SOCIAL COMMENTATOR ANGELA MOLLARD
Our kids are surrounded by stories about sex: how it’s used to sell products, the insidiousness of porn, the importance of practising safe sex and news stories about allegations against the likes of Harvey Weinstein to Brett Kavanaugh. But are we teaching our kids about consent?
Children are taught as early as kindergarten how to say no if they don’t like something, but increasingly educators are also advocating that kids learn to take more responsibility for their actions.
Deanne Carson from Body Safety Australia says while older children understand they have a right to say no, they struggle with actually doing so. She said in conversations with 12-year-olds about non-sexual touch such as hugging, tackling or sitting pressed up against a friend, many of the boys felt able to speak up but girls less so.
“Girls are worried about hurting their friends’ feelings, being ostracised from a social group or disappointing someone in a position of power or authority. They put their own needs aside to meet the perceived needs of others.”
She says we need to encourage children to check in with people every time they want to instigate touch, rather than rely on someone saying no. If they don’t hear a clear yes, she says, they need to back off and give the other person space.
“If we foster a culture of consent, then children will grow up knowing that every touch they instigate is welcome and wanted. Because they checked first.”
US parenting expert Deborah Gilboa says we need to teach kids that their teenage behaviour matters and that they need to be taught to recognise their own desires and instincts and how to respect boundaries.
“When young people do have bad behaviours that show they are struggling with boundaries, we have to address it,” she says.
Discussing the Kavanaugh case with teens or talking about other contexts for consent, such as using their sibling’s phone without asking or coming in a door without knocking can also be helpful.
Parents can also talk with their kids about their gut feelings and respecting their own instincts so they’re more confident in saying no. Likewise, scenes in movies can also provide talking points around consent. If a woman is seen pushing a man away, talk about what she might be feeling and what the man should do in that circumstance.
Finally, children should never be forced to receive affection from someone, even a family member, if they don’t feel comfortable with it, say experts.
‘I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MUM. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A FAMILY. AND WHEN I BECAME A MOTHER, IT BECAME A PRIORITY AND I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH MY KIDS.’ Gisele Bundchen, model and mother of two.