BABY BOND

WHY IT’S OK IF YOU DON’T FEEL INSTANT LOVE

When I first became a mum, I remember one friend gave me a sound piece of advice: Don’t worry if you’re not enjoying it all of the time.

I still think about that insightful comment, but never was it more relevant than in the first year of being a mother.

So many new mums expect they’ll bond with their baby instantly, but weeks – and even months – after the birth some still don’t feel that easy connection, which can lead to a sense of shame and sadness.

Singer Paloma Faith recently spoke out about how she didn’t bond with her baby and even felt as if the midwife had muddled up the babies when she put her newborn next to her.

“You won’t necessarily bond instantly with your baby and it’s OK,’ she said in a podcast for The Pool. “They don’t have a personality, they are a stranger who you’ve never met before so it’s fine. It’s not really fair on either you or your baby to expect there to be this major bond.”

Paloma said that although she didn’t feel a bond, she did feel an “overwhelming sense of duty” to her “vulnerable” baby.

Mothers shouldn’t feel guilty about a lack of instant attachment, says midwife Cathryn Curtin, author of The First Six Weeks.

“Some women find that just after a long labour they don’t initially feel a bond and instead just feel a sense of relief. They might not love or even like the baby, but that’s quite normal.”

Midwife Cath says “bonding” is a big word that can mean different things to different people, and that some new mums don’t feel a connection due to feeding or sleeping issues.

“That first year is such a huge learning curve and some women may still be responding to their babies in natural, primitive ways but they don’t regard it as bonding,’ she says.

While Cath has particular questions she asks mums, such as “How do you feel towards your baby?” and “How do you feel when they cry?”, she says any woman troubled by her feelings towards her child should speak to her GP or a healthcare professional.

Experts also say it’s fine to just go through the motions on days when you’re tired or irritable. As child psychologist Emma Citron points out: “When they are very young they won’t notice a lack of emotional engagement. Try to keep feelings of guilt to a minimum and remember, if you’re worried enough to think there’s a problem, that’s evidence right there that you’re a good mum.”

“I’LL HAVE THE BOYS PRESENT AT THE BIRTH. I WAS NERVOUS INITIALLY AS I WASN’T SURE HOW THEY’D FEEL SEEING ME IN THE BIRTHING ZONE, BUT AFTER HEARING SO MANY AMAZING AND POSITIVE STORIES ... MARK AND I HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE FOREST AND BODHI THERE.” Teresa Palmer, actress, mother of two boys and pregnant with a baby girl.